First Newsletter

main-1It’s with a little tear in my eye that I look back on 2012. It’s been a good year in many respects, my wife June’s reputation for good food continued to grow, her take-away Fish & Chips are making many realize why I married her and my work in the cellar paid off with our entry into the CAMRA Good Beer Guide.

So, why the little tear? It’s for one of my regulars, Johnny Thurlow. What he and his wife endured last August was terrible and has been a well kept secret until now. It was a normal Thursday Quiz Night and it was so busy that no-one really noticed the stranger sat near the door, I thought he resembled one of my old customers from the Parish Oven in Thorpe Salvin. He was in fact an escaped murderer from Lincoln Prison who was making his way to Chesterfield using the Good Beer Guide. Johnny left around 10:45 pm in a bit of a huff because he had scored just 6 out of 30 in the quiz, he was in such a huff that he didn’t spot the stranger following him as he walked home.

Johnny’s wife, Julie, had spent the evening cooking a joint of beef and had sliced it ready for his lunch the next day. She intended to garnish it that next morning with home-made mustard and place it on some crusty bread that she had baked earlier in the week. Knowing her husband was the envy of his workmates gives her a sense of achievement.

Both being up at the crack of dawn meant they were soon off to bed and had only been there a short while when the escaped convict burst into their bedroom. He ordered Johnny out of bed and tied him to a chair, while tying Julie to the bed he appeared to kiss her neck, then got up and went into the bathroom. Whilst he was in there, Johnny whispered to Julie: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He’s probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll could kill us both. Be strong, Julie. I love you.” Julie smiled and said: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he’s gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong Johnny. I love you too!”

Moving on with a wink…

September saw the launch of thealbertinn.com website and in the next few weeks Google Search Indexing should kick-in and visitor statistics should soon become interesting. The Pub Video below is great and

believe it or not the video production company gave me the £1500 fee back because of a break-through they had. jez During the two visits to Woodthorpe made by the film crew, they witnessed one of the ALBERT regulars, retired Wing Commander Gerard “Ges” McCabe CBE DSM, pictured right, walking from his house to the pub. They loved his air of contentment, the way he stepped over Burgin, the village bore who had fallen down, but then acknowledges the stray dog that joined him and the utterly confident way he gesticulated to local girls with just a lean… sublime. It was a walk they had been looking for so they asked him if they could film him. Not one to miss an opportunity, Ges informed the film crew that he developed the walk on the beach in Benidorm which he visits each year. He told them about his winklepicker shoes, trunks and sunglasses that he always wears on his beach walks and they bought them from him for £500. Watch the advert below, it’s Ges to a tee…

Moving on with a swagger…

gerardo-s2

It’s my intention that on each Newsletter I promote the business of one of my customers as a thank you for supporting the pub. This month it’s Gerardo Colucci who’s MOT garage is in Clowne. Gerardo is a direct decendant of the Roman god Uranus, who was neither male or female. A remarkably preserved statue of Uranus, pictured left, was discovered beneath the sea,  just off the Italian coast by Gerardo’s cousin, a cruise ship captain. The resemblance of the statue to Gerardo is amazing, even down to the smallest detail.

He’s built up a steady little business in the 15 years he’s been in this country but his employees will always find time for a bit of fun…

Moving on with a limp…

Finally, could we all give a thought for the pub bore, Burgin, who has been rushed into hospital. Everyone knows he is currently having to use a zimmer frame to walk about but what many don’t know is that he is an international con artist and has conned the Council into installing a special, all singing, all dancing, toilet in his Barlborough bachelor pad. This loo does everything, yes including wipes your arse. It washes, wipes and dries all by remote control. Burgin is hoping it will be a draw for the ladies.

It was installed last week and he was keen to try it out. On the remote it had several buttons, one marked CW. He pressed it and got a right shock when cold water was fired up his backside. WW was much more pleasant, that was warm water. WA was even nicer, that was warm air… the ladies will love that, he thought. He then pressed ATR and the next thing he can remember was waking up in hospital, it stands for automatic tampon remover.

Look out for my future Beer Blog.

Bye for now.

6 responses to “First Newsletter

  1. Janis Palethorpe

    Great start to the Russler……here’s to many more very soon

  2. John Rutherford

    A good standard for the first of what I hope will be many issues of Russler

  3. Peggy Woodard

    So glad to have seen the first issue of the Russler. Very informative and entertaining. Hope to see many more in the future.

  4. Joanne Wilson

    Excellent!!

  5. martin+karen hoarth

    on form as usual, more please asap.

  6. rory

    Burgin at his usual best

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