Dhaka & the Theological Library

This is the first of my monthly TRAVEL section of the RUSSLER blog. I’m Ginger Minger and frequent the superb 5 o’clock Early Bar at norm2theALBERTinn, on my way home to Bolsover from my office in Sheffield. My profile photo was taken when I was 6 years old and you’ll be pleased to know my hairstyle has improved with age. The craic (pronounced crack) around the early bar is special and that’s a rarity these days.

The format for this TRAVEL section is very simple, a video and a 360° megapixel image of somewhere different each month. For those that don’t know what a 360° megapixel image is, a HD digital camera is placed on a special tripod that takes a number of shots of the same position but each at a different focus. The tripod then indexes on 0.5° and repeats until it has gone full circle. It then indexes up 0.5° and repeats the process. Then by using some special software the thousands of pictures are stitched together and a web application lets you drag the image in any direction and zoom in to a more detailed view.

Dhaka
Capital city of Bangladesh. An amazing road junction, halfway through, and you get use to the music.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LU-G7dopaY]

The Theological Library in the Strahov Monastery, Prague.
Prague is the capital city of the Czech Republic and if you didn’t know that then you need to subscribe to this blog. Click the image below to open the 360° megapixel image and enjoy the detail.
strahov-library

See you next month.

January Newsletter

You would have to be a down and out recluse not to have heard of Operation Yewtree. So most will be shocked to discover that detectives from Operation Yewtree have just spent several days in Woodthorpe mag-sav investigating child sex abuse from the mid 1970’s. The man they are after has slapped a superinjuction on the RUSSLER forbidding us to publish his name, so we will refer to him as the Jolly Butcher. Most of you know this minger but not many will know that in the 1970’s he was a DJ at the Adam & Eve night club in Chesterfield. He called himself P.Van Hunter, back then and he use to mix tracks on his twin-deck whilst being bare chested. He was years ahead of his time and what he pioneered didn’t take off until Raves became popular in the late 1980’s, many agreeing that it may have been more popular back then if Phil had kept his shirt on. Due to his habit of practicing most afternoons at home, he called his style of music “House”. The club manager Graham “Smithy” Smith used to replace the normal DJ with P.Van Hunter at bang-on 2am, it was the quickest way to clear the club.

Ironically living just a mile away in Barlborough is the old Rotherham DJ, Dave Growns, who pioneered “Garage” music because his motherpaul-growns wouldn’t let him in the house to practice. Much heavier stuff that Grownsie was into.

His incredibly stupid son, Paul Growns, is currently DJing and trying to develop his own style. He’s calling it “Congo” because that’s the only country that will allow him to play it.

It’s widely accepted that P. Van Hunter’s mixing made mixsets like the ones below possible. Start with a melody of about 4 to 6 notes, after a minute add in a back beat, after another minute add in the front beat, followed by the main tune. Simple really. This one was used by Guinness on one of their adverts and whilst not mixed by P. Van Hunter they had to agree to give him and his family free Draught Guinness for life. Enya gets sublimely mixed in at 3m.08s.

The Jolly Butcher is now an unsuccessful van driver, his wife, Sue, delivers Stork margarine around Clowne in a Range Rover, dressed in a home help uniform. They have two grown up children, a very visually challenged son, James, and a stunningly attractive daughter, Kate. James is an exceptional chef and the BBC offered him his own program titled The Ugly Chef but he turned them down. Here’s a family video taken when they were kids…

Transgressing with one corner of my mouth curled up…

Burgin the Pub Bore’s little sister, Rae, appeared in a video of another great mix relating raethe story of her boss at the Home Office. He was hugely infatuated with her, just like her current bow, Chief Inspector Peter Roberts. He made her transfer to his new department, when he was put in charge of the Border Agency. He was eventually, famously and very publicly, sacked, when the government discovered that no immigration checks were being done because he was day dreaming.

The same 4 notes repeated at different pitches, with a fabulous beat introduced as the train delivers Rae. Her Mum wasn’t happy with her revealing display in the video but her 3 big brothers were proud of her.

So what have the Plod being questioning the Jolly Butcher about. Well, at the end of last year the Jolly Butcher’s vivacious wife, Sue, celebrated her sixtieth birthday and what a big bash it was, all the local glitterati were there, the county intelligentsia and Burgin the Bore. As usual Guinness was abundant at their home and it wasn’t long before the Jolly Butcher became P.Van Hunter and the fun started. He began by getting Sue to strum a back beat on a empty Louis Vuitton suitcase, every ½ second. He then began to increase the volume of his laptop which he had set to loop/repeat. Sue slowly softened her strumming to nothing, at which point P.Van Hunter hit the “Go” button on his laptop and ripped off his shirt, Sue began strumming again with more purpose this time and was assisted by James, who joined in by using a set of false teeth as maracas. As all this unfolded, in walked their over sexed daughter, Kate, wearing a black leotard, and her dancing stole the show. This bird is so sexy that the manufacturers of Viagra have offered to pay her £75,000 to stop doing it in public but she’s holding out for £1.5m and who can blame her. The seventy or so guests stood there with their mouths open. Burgin fell over his zimmer because he had assumed she was gay, seeing as she had never tried to chat him up.

There were only two topics talked about more than Kate’s dancing that night… where did the false teeth come from and how young the lovely Sue looked on her sixtieth birthday. Well she would wouldn’t she because, what many don’t know is… she is only 56 years old, not 60. So why is she lying about her age and increasing it, which is opposite to most folks reason for lying about their age. Well, just like many other DJ’s and pop stars, back in the 60’s and 70’s, P.Van Hunter was lied to by a young determined girl. He believed he had met an 18 year old and married her 2 years later, when she was 20. Wrong, she was only 14 when he met her and 16 when they married.

So why have all the others been publically arrested and not P.Van Hunter, quite simple, he married her and in British courts a wife cannot give evidence against her husband.

 

Moving on with a skip and a whistle…

 

Phil Gee visited his doctors last week. Always straight to the point to the extent of being gobby, Phil walked up to the receptionist and asked to see a doctor. The receptionist ask what the problem was and Phil told her straight… “Sumert up wi me cock luv.” The receptionist nearly fell off her chair. “No, no, no”, said the receptionist, “you must not say such things in front of these people waiting. Say something more civil until you see the doctor”. Phil apologized and mimed that he would go back out and come in again. He actually lit a tabend up for a few drags and went back in. “Can I see a doctor luv, I’ve something wrong with my ear”. The receptionist gave an approving nod and said… “What’s wrong with you ear sir?” Phil replied… “It hurts when I piss”.

The waiting room was in hysterics. Four got up and cancelled their appointments as they felt better. But things got worse for Phil.

He went in to see what turned out to be a very attractive lady GP. He couldn’t wait to drop his trousers. After a few moments she said to him “You are going to have to stop masturbating Mr Gee.”
“Why Doctor?”… he replied.
“Because I trying to examine you!” said the Doctor.

 

Moving on with a final skip…

 

How sick is society getting? Can it get any sicker? RUSSLER doesn’t think it can, example…

Burgin borrowed a porn video from JC. He switched his video player on and sat down with much anticipation as JC reckoned it was the best he’d seen. After 5 minutes he phoned JC…
BURGIN… “What’s good about this video, it’s just an old fat grey haired bloke, sat on a settee in the dark, playing with himself?”
JC… “Have you switched the TV on?”
BURGIN… “Oops!”

 

STAY HAPPY… KEEP SMILING

How To Ruin A Dinner Party

My first ever blog so I’d better introduce myself and tell you a bit about me, because I’ve promised Russ I’ll write a monthly blog about a subject I know,  I’ve known Russ and June for years, since their Saxon days, so here goes.

I’m MalagaJack, the only open gay man to frequent theALBERTinn.  I was raised locally and my parents impressed strict religious values upon me from an early age, values and beliefs that were corroborated by other people involved in my upbringing and I have to say I had a wonderful childhood.

Things changed for me after I reached puberty, I felt different. I remember my best friend asking me which pop singer I fancied most, Sandy Shaw or Petula Clark. I don’t know why but I said Sandy Shaw but in my mind I fancied Adam Faith. I then had ten years of denial leading to gradual acceptance before I came out to the world at 27.  Once the realisation took over I was actually shocked because of its simplicity and obviousness.

My biggest worries throughout my denial years were my parents and my christian beliefs. My parents were killed in a car crash when I was 25 so I was saved the agony of telling them but I would go through that agony to have them back any day. So I just had the prospect of spending the rest of eternity in Hell to come to terms with.

It was a straight guy who changed my life forever, the landlord of my local pub at that time, Russ Green. I heard him say to the local priest, who was impressing us all at the bar with his theological knowledge… “Father, there’s only one reason you’re a Christian and it’s because you were born into a Christian family in Ireland. If you’d been born in Bombay, India you’d be a Hindu and if you’d been born in Istanbul you’d be a Muslim. It’s that simple. Invisible friends are for children not for free thinking intelligent adults. One more word about religion and you’re barred,” barked Russ. It was like someone had switched a light on in my head.

I’ve mentioned my agnostic enlightenment of religion to explain the background into the title of my first blog… How To Ruin A  Dinner Party.

It’s several years ago when me and my fella, Glyn, threw a privatejanis-jon dinner party for a few friends. We invited Jono and Janis Palethorpe, pictured here pushing their way through reporters as they leave Bow Street Magistrates Court, after both giving evidence at the trial of Neil and Christine Hamilton. John is the accountant for our upmarket Mens Fashion boutique and we mistakenly thought that by befriending them he would reduce his fees but it didn’t work.

Similarly we invited Alan Thearle and his partner Emma Romano, who supplyblodders-leather Chesterfield football shirts for our boutique. Alan bank-rolls Emma’s fashion house GuestList and their photo, right, is courtesy of Cosmopolitan. Emma, known as Blodders to the Royal Family, a close confident of Princess Diana back then, promised us that our expensive bash would get a mention in the Celeb mag, Hello, but that didn’t happen either.

The final guest was a friend of Glyn called Jeremy who brought along a mystery friend who turned out to be a famous singer, a very famous singer indeed. His name can’t be published for reasons I’m not sure about but no one else ever mentions his sexuality so I’d better not either (If I was allowed to coin a phrase for it I’d call it The Jimmy Savile Syndrome). It is difficult to guess which side of the fence he sits because although he was with Jeremy he mentioned a relationship he once had with a female tennis player and took much delight from informing us the he was watching when she was licked by Billy Jean King. He knew Emma and whilst he was on one of his many visits to our toilet, Emma mentioned that the Royals called him Miss Celest because he always turned the conversation towards religion.

Sure enough, we’d not even got to the main course before our mystery guest mentioned just how strong a role religion plays in his every day life. Glyn asked him how he felt about recent scientific discoveries that contradict many religious teachings especially Creationists who believe that the Earth was created only 6000 years ago. He quickly rebuffed my Glyn with the statement… “There is someone or something out there that is far, far bigger than science.” Unfortunately I feel very protective towards Glyn, who’s often ridiculed for having long hair, so I jumped in and asked our mystery guest… “Well tell me please, in the unlikely event of you getting a chicken bone stuck in your throat and God forbid (or in his case God willing) you begin to choke, shall we administer the heimlich-maneuver or pray for you?”

The next twenty minutes was very quiet but, considering we were eating the most delicious Moroccan Chicken Tagine, you would expect it to be quiet. Before I had chance to serve the dessert, Jeremy and his mystery guest politely made an excuse and departed.

In an attempt to defuse an embarrassing moment, Jono Palethorpe asked Glyn how his beloved Chesterfield football team had performed earlier in the day and Glyn began crying uncontrollably. I slapped Jono across the face for making my Glyn cry and in a flash Janis landed a kick right between my legs. Alan Thearle said… “If there’s no more Dom Perignon left, we’ll get going” and he and Blodders got up and followed the Palethorpes out of the door.

The time was 9.50pm.

All my Glyn said was… “Can I put my shorts back on now?”

Surfing the World Wide Web

This is my first article for several months and contrary to popular belief it’s not due to the deterioration in my mobility.  No, quite the opposite, my reduced mobility has given rise to more quality time being spent with my computer. So have I been reading the online version of War & Peace, not quite but similar, I’ve been busy reading the Terms & Conditions of iTunes.

chrbkYou may be surprised to learn that the new Windows 8 OS (operating system) has had a disappointing launch. The reason…  the most popular laptop sold worldwide by Amazon over these recent winter months is the Samsung Chromebook. Why? It’s a faster computer. It starts in seconds, and offers thousands of apps. It has built-in virus protection, and backs up your stuff in the Cloud (Free or cheap online storage space). More importantly it’s OS is the new Linux based Google Chrome.

Linux is an open source (free) OS that has been tweaked by the guys and gals at Google and it’s what an OS should be. The Windows 8 OS is Windows 7 but with touch screen technology bolted on and whilst Windows 7 OS was probably the best OS from the Microsoft stable, it is hugely expensive. Once other manufacturers release their “Chromebooks” expect prices to tumble to sub £200. Oddly enough they are currently selling for around $315 while having a List Price of $249, which is due to the supply and demand effect and the price of $315 to our American cousins and £315 to us is due to the rip off Britain effect.

Another reason for the Chromebook popularity is that anyone who can use a Web browser can use a Chromebook. After all its interface is primarily the Chrome Web browser. Who can’t use a browser? Well Janis Palethorpe can’t but she’s a rarity. True, there is Linux under the hood but you have to go out of your way to find it, it’s not “in your face” promoting itself like Windows.

 

Technology Tip

If you are not already using Google Chrome, download it now… stop walking around with your eyes shut. You can now add an Extension to Chrome that blocks all those pesky adverts found on websites such as YouTube and the likes.

Click the 3 bar icon, top right corner of the Chrome browser, which displays a Menu.

Click > Tools > Extensions > Get more extensions and then use the searchBox to find AdBlock.

I’ve outlined the above method so anyone that is new to Chrome can learn but please don’t go crazy and install Extensions willy nilly, they do nibble away at your available memory. To go directly to AdBlock Click Here.

Hope you find this tip useful, I’m sure you will.