March Newsletter

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Title – March Newsletter

Author – MysteryBarfly

 

Complaints into the RUSSLER have been thick and fast this month and not just trivial ones, like the one from Mercedes Mick who, whilst not having any problem with his motor cycling skills, or lack of them, being exposed to the world, was unhappy at being referred to as a minger. It was not the intention of the RUSSLER to influence anyone to start calling him Minging Mick and it is regrettable that this has become common place. Live with it Michael, move on. Before we move on, Minging Mick has got himself the very latest smartphone and he was showing it off to his daughter’s pet toad the other day. You would never have imagined that the toad would read the screen…

 

Now, complaints of inaccuracies are taken very seriously as the RUSSLER has a reputation to maintain. In a recent Politics & Religion post How Rich is the Roman Catholic Church by MalagaJack, it has been pointed out that the photo used to depict the new Pope Francis was in fact the old Pope Benedict and RUSSLER apologises if either man was offended by the error. The error has been amended for future readers. In MalagaJack’s defence, a cataract has developed in the one eye that he has sight from and the local NHS budget has been bled dry this year by his drinking pal, Burgin the Cripple, so he can’t have the much needed operation until after April. The Government are right,burgs-new-car the disabled are bleeding the country dry. Burgin was snapped outside Waitrose recently in his new free disability car. Our country can’t possibly continue to pay almost 1000 deserving senior public servants over £1 million each per year and give away free cars to tossers like Burgin. He’s just been in hospital, yet again, when they asked him for a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample, he gave them his boxer shorts. When asked by the nurse, whilst being admitted, who he would like informing in the case of an emergency, he replied… “The Doctor”. The man wants a 9mm bullet.

Before moving on…

In that same post, RUSSLER also had to clarify a point that was ambiguously written. By claiming the Catholic Church to be the wealthiest institution it was not including national governments. That point has been amended and it has brought to mind an interesting thought… which company is the wealthiest the world has ever known? Any ideas?  The first person to put the correct answer in a comment at the bottom of this post gets a free pint of Prince Albert Bitter, a superb beer which is on the bar in theALBERTinn this weekend (very similar in taste to Magnet). I’ll give you a clue… the company was instrumental in, and made a fortune from, the world’s first economic bubble (and consideration will have to be given to inflation-linking).

 

Moving on with a knowing smirk…

 

Just to introduce a little class into RUSSLER… listen to this voice it’s stunning. She’s either amazingly talented or superbly directed. Watch her sudden jerky movements, camera pick-ups and body language.
Ann Sophie – Genre… Retro soul/Jazz, enjoy…

 

Moving on with a glow…

 

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair, called in theALBERTinn last week. Russ was very naughty but could not stop himself. When O’Leary came to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. Russ said… “That will be one £1 please, Mr. O’Leary.”
Somewhat taken aback, O’Leary replied, “That’s very cheap,” and handed over his money.
“Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition”, said Russ. “But you don’t seem to have a glass, so you’ll need one of ours.” he continued… That will be another £3.”

O’Leary grimaced, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards the armchair next to the log fire.
“Oh, so you want to sit down?” said Russ. “That’s another £2. – Oh, and actually, I see that you didn’t pre-book the seat, so in fact it will be another £4.”
O’Leary swore to himself, but paid up. “I see that you want to bring that laptop with you” added Russ. “And since that wasn’t pre-booked either, that will be another £3 and a further £5 for connection to our WiFi.”

O’Leary was so pissed off that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, “This is a f**king rip-off, I want to speak to the manager”.
“You can only contact him by email”, said Russ… “And by the way, that will be £2 for use of the counter. And unless you are going to wash the glass yourself, that will be another £3. And it would be £3 to use the washroom. Make sure you tidy up all the area before you leave.

 

Moving on with one hand over my mouth…

 

Johnny Thurlow was watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don’t enter that church, you daft pillock!!!”
Johnny’s wife, Julie, just happened to enter the room and asked him, “What are you watching?”
Johnny replies, “Our bloody wedding video”

 

Moving on with a wink…

 

Phil Gee was at it again this month. As reported in a previous RUSSLER his GP is female and drop dead gorgeous. He’s at the surgery often these days. He recently expressed his embarrassment to her, but she said, “Don’t worry, I am a professional… I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I will thoroughly check it out.

Phil said, “My wife claims that my penis tastes like strawberries”

 

Have a nice Easter break and enjoy the snow.

How rich is the Roman Catholic Church?

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Title – How rich is the Roman Catholic Church?

Author – Malaga Jack

 

A number of complaints have been passed down to me about my last blog when I suggested that the last Pope had a €3.4 billion pension fund. Indeed, it was just a figure used to emphasise the ineptness of Gordon Brown when he sold off some UK gold reserves at a hugely reduced rate… and it was a little silly to suggest that because it is so rare for any Pope to retire the fund would be so large. So the complaints got me thinking and I decided to do some digging and what I found was so enlightening I decided to stick the complaints where the sun doesn’t shine.

pope-franThe old Pope Benedict pictured right wearing a fabulous vintage chiffon-lined Dior gold lame gown over a silk Vera Wang empire waist tulle cocktail dress, accessorised with a three-foot House of Whoville hat and the ruby slippers Judy Garland wore in the Wizard of Oz. Ironically, he’s on his way to make a sermon explaining why it’s so wrong to be Gay. The only one sure fact that one can deduce from this photo is that had the four chaps, who are pictured helping the Pope, been born in India then they would have been doing the same for a cow, and had they been born in Iran, none of them will have had a bacon butty for breakfast.

Russ and June were once travelling back from a Rome city-break when a Cardinal sat in the aisle seat next to Russ, June was sat by the window. Shortly after take-off, the Cardinal begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Cardinal turns to Russ and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to Russ’ mind. “My goodness,” thinks Russ, “I can’t tell a Cardinal that. There must be another word.” Russ thought for quite a while, and then it hit him. Turning to the Cardinal, Russ said, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Cardinal. “Do you have an eraser?”

I’ll finish by hitting you with some daunting facts… you’ll stand a better chance of finding a condom in the Vatican than a yearly accounts report. Legally speaking the Vatican does not exist, so it can’t be sued. Dioceses under the control of Bishops can be sued but many in the USA have, in the light of abuse litigation, declared bankruptcy.

The lack of legal obligation to produce accounts and the churches secretive procedures make it very difficult to accurately assess it’s wealth but a 2012 investigation by the Economist, was able to estimate the annual spending of the Catholic Church in the USA, which includes many hospitals and higher education institutes, at $170 billion. Compare that with the two biggest companies, Apple and General Motors, whose annual TURNOVER are both around $150 billion and that’s WORLDWIDE.

Chuck in the Catholic powerhouses of Brazil, Spain and Italy and you have the richest and most powerful institution in the world, outside a few governments. So don’t dig too deep or you’ll finish up swinging beneath Blackfriars Bridge.

San Francisco, London & Leather

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Title – San Francisco, London & Leather

Author – Ginger Minger

Leather Alan returned this week from his villa in The Algarve, where he had been hiding from his new live-in chick, Emma. He’s made her get a job but he’s having to get her evening meal ready and it’s keeping him out of the pub. He wanted to drive down and take his mate Burgin the Cripple with him but Emma wasn’t having none of that, knowing the availability of women would increase 4 fold with Burgin around.

blodders-leatherSo, having flown down, he boarded his afternoon flight from Faro back to Birmingham. He had taken his seat near the window, when he noticed a stunning bird, in her early 40’s, walking towards him looking for her seat. Being the horny bastard he is, he couldn’t take his eyes off her and to his amazement, she placed her belongings on the seat next to him.

Once she had placed her things in the overhead locker, she took her seat and gave him a lovely smile. He, of course, smiled back and asked her if she was returning from a holiday. Her trip was purely business, she explained, she had been asked to give a lecture at a conference at the NEC. When Leather enquired as to the nature of the conference, she informed him that it was the Annual Conference of Nymphomaniacs and she was to give a lecture on the misconception of male lovers. OMG!! thought Leather. The anticipation of two and a half hours sitting next to a beautiful nymphomaniac immediately sent his mind into overdrive, his hands were trembling and he could hardly string his words together to ask his obvious next question… “What are the misconceptions?” he said in a high pitched voice.

“Well”, she replied, “it’s often said that the Afro-Caribbean man is the most well-endowed male in the world, yet, in truth, it is the native Red Indian man who takes this title. Again, it is often thought that it is French men who make love more times a week than any other, whilst in fact it is the Greek men that do. And not many people realise that the most virile men in the world are the Irish.”

She continued … “My goodness, here I am, telling you all this and I don’t even know your name”

Leather replied… “It’s Tonto Papadopolous, but my friends call me Paddy”.

 

Moving  on with a chuckle…

 

London, UK

Record breaking 320 gigapixel panoramic view of London. Commissioned by BT who are responsible for the fact that most web browsers think that the webpage is in French when it isn’t. That tells you that all the wages earned from developing the BT website is being spent in France, and that’s one of the reasons we, Britain, are in a mess. That and being bled dry by the disabled. To watch a BBC documentary on it’s making (the photo, not the shitty website) click here. Click the image below and enjoy the panoramic view…

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San Francisco

Music by Machete Ave.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Er2Wa7onQcw&w=490&h=300]

February Newsletter

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February Newsletter
Author – MysteryBarfly

I’ve mentioned on a few occasions the quality of the craic at the early bar at theALBERTinn on most weekdays, well it reached a new high last month when Bob Dolby, retired sound engineer, was joined by an old pal, a top orthopaedic surgeon, who has just been brought in to run the Barlborough NHS Treatment Centre. I didn’t catch the surgeon’s name but it was clear from his conversation that he also had a private practice. dolbys

To explain to those who don’t know Bob Dolby, he is beyond any shadow of doubt the tightest, meanest man you could possibly meet. His wife Anne, in contrast, is the sweetest of ladies and often puts money behind the bar to pay for her husband’s round of drinks that he forgot to get.

Recently he and Anne were sat reading in their conservatory when Bob suddenly jumped up and declared… “Right, time for a walk up to the pub. Get your coat on Darling”. “How nice, you’re taking me with you?” inquired Anne, “No, I’m turning the heating off”, said Bob.

Returning to the surgeon, Bob asked him for a “mate rate” quote for a new knee and the surgeon quoted £8500. Immediately Bob wanted to know how that figure was arrived at and it was explained to him…
£5000 to the hospital for use of the operating theatre.
£1500 to the anaesthetist.
£2000 to himself.
Bob asked if it had to be performed in an hospital, why not at his home and the surgeon agreed that there was less chance of infection in Bob’s kitchen as he knew that Anne kept it spotless.

So that’s £5000 off the bill and now Bob turned his attention to the anaesthetist. Is one really necessary? The surgeon insisted it was, the knee had to be opened up and the pain would be excruciating for at least 20 minutes…
“Would it kill you, though?” Bob asked.
“No”, said the surgeon, “but it would be extremely painful”.
“But one would not die?” said Bob looking for a final assurance.
“No” said the surgeon.
The left corner of Bob’s mouth began to curl up as he calculated that he’d got the bill down to £2000. At the same time his left eyebrow raise slightly as Bob surprised the surgeon with…
“Would you do the op for £1700 cash, no receipt?”
No sooner had the surgeon replied… “It would have to be late evening, say… next Tuesday”, Bob quickly took the surgeon’s hand, before he could change his mind and said, “Deal, book my wife in for 8.30″.

 

Moving on with a limp….

 

It’s almost a year ago since Woody and Peggy were in theALBERTinn. They had popped over from Mississippi, USA and thought their visit to theALBERTinn was a wizz. It’s Peggy’s birthday tomorrow, so Happy Birthday from everyone you met in theALBERTinn. The sad news is that they won’t be coming this year as the recession has hit them bad and they are desperate for 4 new tyres for their home but they love reading the RUSSLER, well Woody has to read it out to Peggy Peggy High School 1969(pictured right). Reading was not one of Peggy’s priorities, as she was a Hog Roundup Pageant Queen, destined to marry one of her brothers. So how did Woody sneak into Arkansas and steal this stunning beauty away from her watchful family. What many don’t know, even in the back woods of Mississippi and Arkansas, is that Woody’s full name is Clarence Woodard Hancock and he had an illustrious career in the US Navy. He first met Peggy at her family gas station when he and some navy pals were on a canoeing trip. He arranged to meet her in the middle of the night and they ran away together. His first meeting with her Pa and brothers was immortalised in the film Deliverence, seen below. Before he joined the officer ranks his nickname was Cocky (an attribute not missed on the young Peggy) but the Naval Academy made him change it to Woody, Captain “Cocky” Hancock just doesn’t sound good.

He was made Petty Officer and served on the USS Bon Homme Richard. He was promoted to Ensign aboard USS Kitty Hawk and Lieutenant aboard USS Ticonderoga when he was the XO on the bridge when he ordered the sinking of a suspected Soviet spy ship. It turned out to be The Calypso and that was the end of Jacques Cousteau but because the US were pissed off with the French over their support for Iraq, he was promoted to Commander aboard the USS Hornet.woody-1

He was put in charge of the daily production of ice cream for several thousand sailors, who all remember his 0800 hour daily announcement…
“Now hear this. Now hear this. Today’s flavour is Vanilla”.

His final but short lived promotion was to Captain of the USS Montana and the incident that made him realize he’d had enough happened just off the Irish coast, watch below…

Moving on with a chuckle…

 

Staying with the sea. Burgin the Pub Bore, was treated to a free weekend at Whitby on a yacht that’s specially adapted for the disabled. He was the only man amongst half a dozen sufferers of rare neurological conditions. Mercedes Mick phoned him to see how he was coping and was amazed to hear him say that he was having a fantastic time. He’d had them all playing strip poker and things were hotting up. Burgin began singing… “You are the Cheeky Girls, I am the Cheeky Boy”. Then in the background he heard… “We are the Cheeky Girls, You are the Cheeky Boy”, then  a young woman said… “Burgin, show us that trick again opening champagne, it’s so sexy” Mick couldn’t contain himself any longer… “I’m out on the bike first thing, I’ll ride up as quickly as I can mate”.

Now to bring you all up to scratch on Michael, he’s recently had a course and passed his test to be able to ride large motor bikes. His long suffering wife, Rachel, hates bikes so he now invites young local girls to join him on rides into the countryside. Here’s what happened on Sunday morning in Whitby…

Bye for now