April Newsletter Extra

Author – Mystery Barfly

This Newsletter Extra is to celebrate the birthday of Burgin the Cripple and it contains some interesting facts, amusing facts and a shocking revelation.

 

First on the agenda is a serious matter regarding a terrible disease called DRAVET SYNDROME, a severe form of epilepsy. theALBERTinn barmaid, Kate, has volunteered to bare her breasts for the sum of £1 which will go towards the DRAVET APPEAL. Here she is below ready with the t-shirt and if you place your mouse cursor towards her tummy, all will be revealed. But don’t forget, it will cost you a pound.

brian-cowleyKate’s boyfriend, Brian Cowley, has tried his best to stop her revealing her assets but Kate would hear none of it. Kate has sent the RUSSLER a photo of Brian from their holidays last year and she has threatened to send more photos if he doesn’t stop giving her grief.

 

Moving on with a wobble…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rory and Barbara Hallam have been frequenting theALBERTinn for a few years now and they’re often accompanied by Harry and Tina Pickering. For those who don’t know Rory, he’s a man who doesn’t dorory-1 things by half. When he plays golf, as he and Barbara do every week, he wears plusfours and Pringle jumpers. He goes at everything with much gusto. When he was the landlord of the Royal Oak in Barlborough, he used to drink 20 pints of beer a day. He currently delivers drugs for the chemist in Barlborough and now he rides round on a BMX bike wearing a hoodie and, very annoyingly, does “gangsta” speak. Yes… for prescribed drugs!!!!

He met Barbara, who by-the-way Burgin the Cripple reckons is the best kisser in Barlborough, through a video dating company in the early 90’s and, as I mentioned, they play golf together every week. They’ve been happily married now for a number of years and on the golf course last week they were reflecting with each other on how happy they were and what a nice lifestyle they had. Rory mentioned that there was something he needed to get off his chest and felt their relationship was strong enough to take it. He told Barbara that 6 years ago, when they were running the Royal Oak, he’d had a brief affair with one of the barmaids. It didn’t mean anything to him, he regrets it and he felt she should know. Barbara thought his honesty was quite commendable, she was glad he’d told her, and there was something she wanted to get off her chest. About 3 or 4 years before they’d met, Barbara was called Barry and she’d been through a sex change. Well, Rory’s blood drained from his face. He threw his golf club to the ground and called her a cheating cow. Barbara couldn’t believe his reaction…
“You cheating, cheating, cheating bitch”, said Rory. Barbara replied, “Hang on Rory, you told me that you’ve had an affair and I accepted that. Yet now you accuse me of cheating?”. Rory stood there for several minutes with his head bowed. He slowly raised his face and said to Barbara, “It’s not the sex change that bothers me, it’s all these years you’ve been playing off the ladies’ tee”.

Before moving on, I earlier mentioned Rory’s pal Harry. Harry Pickering is probably one of the worst plumbers you’ll ever meet. You’ll have seen him driving about North East Derbyshire in his truck, which he’s very proud of.harry

 

loo-3
Rory once asked him to install an extra urinal in the Royal Oak gents’ toilets and this is how he did it.

 

 
Minging Mick once asked him if he could get a toilet in what was once a utility cupboard by his back door. Harry said no problem, and this is how he did it.
loo-2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moving on with a squirt…

 

 

Regulars at theALBERTinn will be aware that Russ, the landlord, has been having a real tough time with a urinary tract infection. He got so fed up with the modern drugs not working he’s allegedly turned to an alternate therapy and he’s hoping it’ll get rid of the problem once and for all. CLICK HERE to see his treatment.

silluette

 

 

Finally, moving on with a tear in my eye…

 

 

heston-blumenheckJames Hunter has finally agreed to pen a monthly blog for the RUSSLER in the category of Food. As most of you will know, James is an excellent chef and each month he will be giving us the recipe for one of his culinary masterpieces. He will be blogging under the pseudonym of Heston Blumenheck who is a mixture of a couple of TV chefs and Russ, so keep your eyes out for the future.

James was recently driving his mingy car, which he thinks is a sports car. It was the first day we’d had some sun for a very long time and he was sitting at the traffic lights at the top of Mastin Moor hill. Window down, elbow sticking out, wishing he’d put his GoGetter baseball cap on. A car drove towards him containing a rather large lady and when she was level with him she shouted… “DONKEY”. Not one to be insulted, he shouted back… “UGLY COW”. When the lights turned green the smug James set off, quickly accelerated to 60mph into the hollow towards Renishaw, only for this to HAPPEN.

silluette

 

 

 

See you in theALBERTinn later. Bye for now…

APRIL – Newsletter

.
Author – Mystery Barfly
A very special newsletter just prior to Wednesday 17th of April, 2013, a date set to enter the history books. For most it will be remembered for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher but to an elite few, pals of Burgin the Cripple, it will always be his birthday. So forget St Pauls Cathedral and get your arse up to theALBERTinn at Woodthorpe, the craic is guaranteed.

To make the night special Phil Gee is bringing in a very expensive Johnny Walker Blue Label scotch for everyone to sample. It’s his way of saying sorry for all the shite that the rest of us have to endure from him. The Man Who Walked Around The World…

Barmaid Kate has promised that, if her boyfriend Bullshit Brian isn’t present, she will bare her pair of beauties (breasts) and we can have a
guess their weight competition in aid of the Dravet Syndrome Charity Appeal. Burgin’s even booked a turn, seen here on the video, left, but only if he learns to play Magic Man.
It’s not thought that his old pal Richard Law will be making an appearance, it’s far to soon after his almighty gaff was made public and quickly went viral. I may as well tell what happened because everyone and their mother (except Mark Thatcher) know about it.

Last weekend Richard pulled the best bird of his life. She had the perfect figure, beautiful jet black hair, and drop dead gorgeous looks. She approached him in his Ecclesall Road restaurant, right at the end of the night. She had been told that Richard had Buffalo roaming his converted Derbyshire farmhouse and how much she would love to see them, which in man talk means take me back to your place and give me a right rodding. Richard played along with the Buffalo line and informed her that they can’t be seen in the dark but he knew what they could do until dawn.

She sent her friends home and Richard sent all the staff home and asked his driver to return at 4.45am, in time to get him home at sun rise. He then fetched a Tattenger from the fridge and made treesa conscious decision to try something different. He’s always struggled to keep a good woman and his pal Dr Rav Naik had recently been discussing with him the merit of sexual foreplay and how to prolong the sex act beyond 2 minutes. He reminded him of the techniques he once witnessed when the security cameras filmed Burgin and Merritt with 3 birds in the Professionals Room in his Leeds Snooker Club. Richard was determined to impress a woman, if only to wipe the smile of Nick Wolstenholme’s face. He’s Richards shooting pal who most of his Ex’s have confided in.

This time he took his time and assessed her responses to him. She was clearly aroused by deep passionate kissing so he milked that as much as he could. After one 20 minute snog all she could say was… wow! He could not believe how receptive she appeared and he’d not even took her nickers off. It hardly seemed a hour before his driver was signalling his presence outside.

She sexily nibbled his neck as he locked the restaurant door and they kissed all the way to the car and in the backseat, all the way to his home. They ran into his sitting room where french doors look out onto the surrounding fields where the Buffalo are, both full with anticipation, perhaps for different reasons but full of it anyway. As she stood against the french doors the morning sun burst through and Richard could contain his glee no longer. He quickly took out his iPhone and took a photo of this stunner which he auto-sent to Nick Wolstenholme. Stick that in your pipe Wolstie, he thought…. as they say in Italy “WHAT A MISTAKA TO MAKA“.

silluette

Moving on with my mouth wide open…
The question posed in the March Newsletter… which company is the wealthiest the world has ever known? Attracted ziltch zero responses via the comments, which of course are public. Obviously no one felt confident enough that they knew the right answer. Several had a shot in private via email and 2 were right but they didn’t put it on Comments, so no beer I’m afraid. The answer was the Dutch East India Company and the first bubble was Tulips.

 

Moving on with a skip…

 

Stockholm Sweden
Hardly anyone used the stairs to leave this Stockholm subway, always the escalator, until someone had a bright idea…

 

Moving on 2 steps at a time…

 

USA
To celebrate the Palethorpe’s being over the pond, a bit of Yanky humour…

Have a listen to this young woman…

QUESTION… How can someone be so attractive, sing so well, yet be so stupid? Although her joy at been conned by the young boy was genuine and endearing…

 

Moving on with a wobble…

 

Phil Greaves as been a regular in theALBERTinn for a number of years but what many don’t know is that he could have been a famous actor but gave it all up for the love of a woman who wanted him to have a phil-greaves-2aphil-greavesproper job. Phil went bald at the age of 18 and always looked older than his age. Ironically, now in his 60’s he now looks younger, despite the usual increase in weight. His only acting job was at the age of 19 at the end of the 60’s and he was one of the few British actors to break into Holywood, albeit just a public information film. We’ve been lucky to find this…

 

Moving on in a rush…

 

James Randi Education Foundation
This old magician has got $1 million to give to any crackpot who can do faith healing, spoon bending, mind reading or any paranormal claim under his scrutiny…

 

Moving on with a finger in my mouth…

 

Finally
Johnny Thurlow and Phil Gee were arrested in Queens Park last week at a Womens Rights rally. They were caught on camera just before their arrest, displaying orange banners…
dyke_protest

 

Bye for now…

Plant Earth, Boston & Sistine Chapel

 

Author – GingerMinger

 

Planet Earth

It took 2 days to travel from earth to the International Space Station, well it did until last week, when the Ruskies did it in under 6 hours. They didn’t use a faster space craft, they achieved it by only doing 4 orbits of the earth before docking at the ISS. Plans are already afoot to do it in just 2 orbits and Ryan Air are planning to do it in 1 (joke). NASA have cobbled together some footage from the ISS and added some modelling to a great 2 minute video.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sckOSMf-LpY&w=490&h=300]

 

 

Boston, USA

State capital of Massachusetts

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYvAeuPF9-s&w=490&h=300]

 

 

Sistine Chapel

A 360° view of probably the most magnificent chapel in the world. Found in the Apostolic Palace, the offical residence of the Pope in the Vatican. Click the below image.
sistine