Author – Mystery Barfly
This Newsletter Extra is to celebrate the birthday of Burgin the Cripple and it contains some interesting facts, amusing facts and a shocking revelation.
First on the agenda is a serious matter regarding a terrible disease called DRAVET SYNDROME, a severe form of epilepsy. theALBERTinn barmaid, Kate, has volunteered to bare her breasts for the sum of £1 which will go towards the DRAVET APPEAL. Here she is below ready with the t-shirt and if you place your mouse cursor towards her tummy, all will be revealed. But don’t forget, it will cost you a pound.
Kate’s boyfriend, Brian Cowley, has tried his best to stop her revealing her assets but Kate would hear none of it. Kate has sent the RUSSLER a photo of Brian from their holidays last year and she has threatened to send more photos if he doesn’t stop giving her grief.
Moving on with a wobble…
Rory and Barbara Hallam have been frequenting theALBERTinn for a few years now and they’re often accompanied by Harry and Tina Pickering. For those who don’t know Rory, he’s a man who doesn’t do things by half. When he plays golf, as he and Barbara do every week, he wears plusfours and Pringle jumpers. He goes at everything with much gusto. When he was the landlord of the Royal Oak in Barlborough, he used to drink 20 pints of beer a day. He currently delivers drugs for the chemist in Barlborough and now he rides round on a BMX bike wearing a hoodie and, very annoyingly, does “gangsta” speak. Yes… for prescribed drugs!!!!
He met Barbara, who by-the-way Burgin the Cripple reckons is the best kisser in Barlborough, through a video dating company in the early 90’s and, as I mentioned, they play golf together every week. They’ve been happily married now for a number of years and on the golf course last week they were reflecting with each other on how happy they were and what a nice lifestyle they had. Rory mentioned that there was something he needed to get off his chest and felt their relationship was strong enough to take it. He told Barbara that 6 years ago, when they were running the Royal Oak, he’d had a brief affair with one of the barmaids. It didn’t mean anything to him, he regrets it and he felt she should know. Barbara thought his honesty was quite commendable, she was glad he’d told her, and there was something she wanted to get off her chest. About 3 or 4 years before they’d met, Barbara was called Barry and she’d been through a sex change. Well, Rory’s blood drained from his face. He threw his golf club to the ground and called her a cheating cow. Barbara couldn’t believe his reaction…
“You cheating, cheating, cheating bitch”, said Rory. Barbara replied, “Hang on Rory, you told me that you’ve had an affair and I accepted that. Yet now you accuse me of cheating?”. Rory stood there for several minutes with his head bowed. He slowly raised his face and said to Barbara, “It’s not the sex change that bothers me, it’s all these years you’ve been playing off the ladies’ tee”.
Before moving on, I earlier mentioned Rory’s pal Harry. Harry Pickering is probably one of the worst plumbers you’ll ever meet. You’ll have seen him driving about North East Derbyshire in his truck, which he’s very proud of.
Rory once asked him to install an extra urinal in the Royal Oak gents’ toilets and this is how he did it.
Minging Mick once asked him if he could get a toilet in what was once a utility cupboard by his back door. Harry said no problem, and this is how he did it.
Moving on with a squirt…
Regulars at theALBERTinn will be aware that Russ, the landlord, has been having a real tough time with a urinary tract infection. He got so fed up with the modern drugs not working he’s allegedly turned to an alternate therapy and he’s hoping it’ll get rid of the problem once and for all. CLICK HERE to see his treatment.
Finally, moving on with a tear in my eye…
James Hunter has finally agreed to pen a monthly blog for the RUSSLER in the category of Food. As most of you will know, James is an excellent chef and each month he will be giving us the recipe for one of his culinary masterpieces. He will be blogging under the pseudonym of Heston Blumenheck who is a mixture of a couple of TV chefs and Russ, so keep your eyes out for the future.
James was recently driving his mingy car, which he thinks is a sports car. It was the first day we’d had some sun for a very long time and he was sitting at the traffic lights at the top of Mastin Moor hill. Window down, elbow sticking out, wishing he’d put his GoGetter baseball cap on. A car drove towards him containing a rather large lady and when she was level with him she shouted… “DONKEY”. Not one to be insulted, he shouted back… “UGLY COW”. When the lights turned green the smug James set off, quickly accelerated to 60mph into the hollow towards Renishaw, only for this to HAPPEN.
See you in theALBERTinn later. Bye for now…