April Newsletter Extra

Author – Mystery Barfly

This Newsletter Extra is to celebrate the birthday of Burgin the Cripple and it contains some interesting facts, amusing facts and a shocking revelation.

 

First on the agenda is a serious matter regarding a terrible disease called DRAVET SYNDROME, a severe form of epilepsy. theALBERTinn barmaid, Kate, has volunteered to bare her breasts for the sum of £1 which will go towards the DRAVET APPEAL. Here she is below ready with the t-shirt and if you place your mouse cursor towards her tummy, all will be revealed. But don’t forget, it will cost you a pound.

brian-cowleyKate’s boyfriend, Brian Cowley, has tried his best to stop her revealing her assets but Kate would hear none of it. Kate has sent the RUSSLER a photo of Brian from their holidays last year and she has threatened to send more photos if he doesn’t stop giving her grief.

 

Moving on with a wobble…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rory and Barbara Hallam have been frequenting theALBERTinn for a few years now and they’re often accompanied by Harry and Tina Pickering. For those who don’t know Rory, he’s a man who doesn’t dorory-1 things by half. When he plays golf, as he and Barbara do every week, he wears plusfours and Pringle jumpers. He goes at everything with much gusto. When he was the landlord of the Royal Oak in Barlborough, he used to drink 20 pints of beer a day. He currently delivers drugs for the chemist in Barlborough and now he rides round on a BMX bike wearing a hoodie and, very annoyingly, does “gangsta” speak. Yes… for prescribed drugs!!!!

He met Barbara, who by-the-way Burgin the Cripple reckons is the best kisser in Barlborough, through a video dating company in the early 90’s and, as I mentioned, they play golf together every week. They’ve been happily married now for a number of years and on the golf course last week they were reflecting with each other on how happy they were and what a nice lifestyle they had. Rory mentioned that there was something he needed to get off his chest and felt their relationship was strong enough to take it. He told Barbara that 6 years ago, when they were running the Royal Oak, he’d had a brief affair with one of the barmaids. It didn’t mean anything to him, he regrets it and he felt she should know. Barbara thought his honesty was quite commendable, she was glad he’d told her, and there was something she wanted to get off her chest. About 3 or 4 years before they’d met, Barbara was called Barry and she’d been through a sex change. Well, Rory’s blood drained from his face. He threw his golf club to the ground and called her a cheating cow. Barbara couldn’t believe his reaction…
“You cheating, cheating, cheating bitch”, said Rory. Barbara replied, “Hang on Rory, you told me that you’ve had an affair and I accepted that. Yet now you accuse me of cheating?”. Rory stood there for several minutes with his head bowed. He slowly raised his face and said to Barbara, “It’s not the sex change that bothers me, it’s all these years you’ve been playing off the ladies’ tee”.

Before moving on, I earlier mentioned Rory’s pal Harry. Harry Pickering is probably one of the worst plumbers you’ll ever meet. You’ll have seen him driving about North East Derbyshire in his truck, which he’s very proud of.harry

 

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Rory once asked him to install an extra urinal in the Royal Oak gents’ toilets and this is how he did it.

 

 
Minging Mick once asked him if he could get a toilet in what was once a utility cupboard by his back door. Harry said no problem, and this is how he did it.
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Moving on with a squirt…

 

 

Regulars at theALBERTinn will be aware that Russ, the landlord, has been having a real tough time with a urinary tract infection. He got so fed up with the modern drugs not working he’s allegedly turned to an alternate therapy and he’s hoping it’ll get rid of the problem once and for all. CLICK HERE to see his treatment.

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Finally, moving on with a tear in my eye…

 

 

heston-blumenheckJames Hunter has finally agreed to pen a monthly blog for the RUSSLER in the category of Food. As most of you will know, James is an excellent chef and each month he will be giving us the recipe for one of his culinary masterpieces. He will be blogging under the pseudonym of Heston Blumenheck who is a mixture of a couple of TV chefs and Russ, so keep your eyes out for the future.

James was recently driving his mingy car, which he thinks is a sports car. It was the first day we’d had some sun for a very long time and he was sitting at the traffic lights at the top of Mastin Moor hill. Window down, elbow sticking out, wishing he’d put his GoGetter baseball cap on. A car drove towards him containing a rather large lady and when she was level with him she shouted… “DONKEY”. Not one to be insulted, he shouted back… “UGLY COW”. When the lights turned green the smug James set off, quickly accelerated to 60mph into the hollow towards Renishaw, only for this to HAPPEN.

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See you in theALBERTinn later. Bye for now…

APRIL – Newsletter

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Author – Mystery Barfly
A very special newsletter just prior to Wednesday 17th of April, 2013, a date set to enter the history books. For most it will be remembered for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher but to an elite few, pals of Burgin the Cripple, it will always be his birthday. So forget St Pauls Cathedral and get your arse up to theALBERTinn at Woodthorpe, the craic is guaranteed.

To make the night special Phil Gee is bringing in a very expensive Johnny Walker Blue Label scotch for everyone to sample. It’s his way of saying sorry for all the shite that the rest of us have to endure from him. The Man Who Walked Around The World…

Barmaid Kate has promised that, if her boyfriend Bullshit Brian isn’t present, she will bare her pair of beauties (breasts) and we can have a
guess their weight competition in aid of the Dravet Syndrome Charity Appeal. Burgin’s even booked a turn, seen here on the video, left, but only if he learns to play Magic Man.
It’s not thought that his old pal Richard Law will be making an appearance, it’s far to soon after his almighty gaff was made public and quickly went viral. I may as well tell what happened because everyone and their mother (except Mark Thatcher) know about it.

Last weekend Richard pulled the best bird of his life. She had the perfect figure, beautiful jet black hair, and drop dead gorgeous looks. She approached him in his Ecclesall Road restaurant, right at the end of the night. She had been told that Richard had Buffalo roaming his converted Derbyshire farmhouse and how much she would love to see them, which in man talk means take me back to your place and give me a right rodding. Richard played along with the Buffalo line and informed her that they can’t be seen in the dark but he knew what they could do until dawn.

She sent her friends home and Richard sent all the staff home and asked his driver to return at 4.45am, in time to get him home at sun rise. He then fetched a Tattenger from the fridge and made treesa conscious decision to try something different. He’s always struggled to keep a good woman and his pal Dr Rav Naik had recently been discussing with him the merit of sexual foreplay and how to prolong the sex act beyond 2 minutes. He reminded him of the techniques he once witnessed when the security cameras filmed Burgin and Merritt with 3 birds in the Professionals Room in his Leeds Snooker Club. Richard was determined to impress a woman, if only to wipe the smile of Nick Wolstenholme’s face. He’s Richards shooting pal who most of his Ex’s have confided in.

This time he took his time and assessed her responses to him. She was clearly aroused by deep passionate kissing so he milked that as much as he could. After one 20 minute snog all she could say was… wow! He could not believe how receptive she appeared and he’d not even took her nickers off. It hardly seemed a hour before his driver was signalling his presence outside.

She sexily nibbled his neck as he locked the restaurant door and they kissed all the way to the car and in the backseat, all the way to his home. They ran into his sitting room where french doors look out onto the surrounding fields where the Buffalo are, both full with anticipation, perhaps for different reasons but full of it anyway. As she stood against the french doors the morning sun burst through and Richard could contain his glee no longer. He quickly took out his iPhone and took a photo of this stunner which he auto-sent to Nick Wolstenholme. Stick that in your pipe Wolstie, he thought…. as they say in Italy “WHAT A MISTAKA TO MAKA“.

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Moving on with my mouth wide open…
The question posed in the March Newsletter… which company is the wealthiest the world has ever known? Attracted ziltch zero responses via the comments, which of course are public. Obviously no one felt confident enough that they knew the right answer. Several had a shot in private via email and 2 were right but they didn’t put it on Comments, so no beer I’m afraid. The answer was the Dutch East India Company and the first bubble was Tulips.

 

Moving on with a skip…

 

Stockholm Sweden
Hardly anyone used the stairs to leave this Stockholm subway, always the escalator, until someone had a bright idea…

 

Moving on 2 steps at a time…

 

USA
To celebrate the Palethorpe’s being over the pond, a bit of Yanky humour…

Have a listen to this young woman…

QUESTION… How can someone be so attractive, sing so well, yet be so stupid? Although her joy at been conned by the young boy was genuine and endearing…

 

Moving on with a wobble…

 

Phil Greaves as been a regular in theALBERTinn for a number of years but what many don’t know is that he could have been a famous actor but gave it all up for the love of a woman who wanted him to have a phil-greaves-2aphil-greavesproper job. Phil went bald at the age of 18 and always looked older than his age. Ironically, now in his 60’s he now looks younger, despite the usual increase in weight. His only acting job was at the age of 19 at the end of the 60’s and he was one of the few British actors to break into Holywood, albeit just a public information film. We’ve been lucky to find this…

 

Moving on in a rush…

 

James Randi Education Foundation
This old magician has got $1 million to give to any crackpot who can do faith healing, spoon bending, mind reading or any paranormal claim under his scrutiny…

 

Moving on with a finger in my mouth…

 

Finally
Johnny Thurlow and Phil Gee were arrested in Queens Park last week at a Womens Rights rally. They were caught on camera just before their arrest, displaying orange banners…
dyke_protest

 

Bye for now…

March Newsletter

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Title – March Newsletter

Author – MysteryBarfly

 

Complaints into the RUSSLER have been thick and fast this month and not just trivial ones, like the one from Mercedes Mick who, whilst not having any problem with his motor cycling skills, or lack of them, being exposed to the world, was unhappy at being referred to as a minger. It was not the intention of the RUSSLER to influence anyone to start calling him Minging Mick and it is regrettable that this has become common place. Live with it Michael, move on. Before we move on, Minging Mick has got himself the very latest smartphone and he was showing it off to his daughter’s pet toad the other day. You would never have imagined that the toad would read the screen…

 

Now, complaints of inaccuracies are taken very seriously as the RUSSLER has a reputation to maintain. In a recent Politics & Religion post How Rich is the Roman Catholic Church by MalagaJack, it has been pointed out that the photo used to depict the new Pope Francis was in fact the old Pope Benedict and RUSSLER apologises if either man was offended by the error. The error has been amended for future readers. In MalagaJack’s defence, a cataract has developed in the one eye that he has sight from and the local NHS budget has been bled dry this year by his drinking pal, Burgin the Cripple, so he can’t have the much needed operation until after April. The Government are right,burgs-new-car the disabled are bleeding the country dry. Burgin was snapped outside Waitrose recently in his new free disability car. Our country can’t possibly continue to pay almost 1000 deserving senior public servants over £1 million each per year and give away free cars to tossers like Burgin. He’s just been in hospital, yet again, when they asked him for a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample, he gave them his boxer shorts. When asked by the nurse, whilst being admitted, who he would like informing in the case of an emergency, he replied… “The Doctor”. The man wants a 9mm bullet.

Before moving on…

In that same post, RUSSLER also had to clarify a point that was ambiguously written. By claiming the Catholic Church to be the wealthiest institution it was not including national governments. That point has been amended and it has brought to mind an interesting thought… which company is the wealthiest the world has ever known? Any ideas?  The first person to put the correct answer in a comment at the bottom of this post gets a free pint of Prince Albert Bitter, a superb beer which is on the bar in theALBERTinn this weekend (very similar in taste to Magnet). I’ll give you a clue… the company was instrumental in, and made a fortune from, the world’s first economic bubble (and consideration will have to be given to inflation-linking).

 

Moving on with a knowing smirk…

 

Just to introduce a little class into RUSSLER… listen to this voice it’s stunning. She’s either amazingly talented or superbly directed. Watch her sudden jerky movements, camera pick-ups and body language.
Ann Sophie – Genre… Retro soul/Jazz, enjoy…

 

Moving on with a glow…

 

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair, called in theALBERTinn last week. Russ was very naughty but could not stop himself. When O’Leary came to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. Russ said… “That will be one £1 please, Mr. O’Leary.”
Somewhat taken aback, O’Leary replied, “That’s very cheap,” and handed over his money.
“Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition”, said Russ. “But you don’t seem to have a glass, so you’ll need one of ours.” he continued… That will be another £3.”

O’Leary grimaced, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards the armchair next to the log fire.
“Oh, so you want to sit down?” said Russ. “That’s another £2. – Oh, and actually, I see that you didn’t pre-book the seat, so in fact it will be another £4.”
O’Leary swore to himself, but paid up. “I see that you want to bring that laptop with you” added Russ. “And since that wasn’t pre-booked either, that will be another £3 and a further £5 for connection to our WiFi.”

O’Leary was so pissed off that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, “This is a f**king rip-off, I want to speak to the manager”.
“You can only contact him by email”, said Russ… “And by the way, that will be £2 for use of the counter. And unless you are going to wash the glass yourself, that will be another £3. And it would be £3 to use the washroom. Make sure you tidy up all the area before you leave.

 

Moving on with one hand over my mouth…

 

Johnny Thurlow was watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don’t enter that church, you daft pillock!!!”
Johnny’s wife, Julie, just happened to enter the room and asked him, “What are you watching?”
Johnny replies, “Our bloody wedding video”

 

Moving on with a wink…

 

Phil Gee was at it again this month. As reported in a previous RUSSLER his GP is female and drop dead gorgeous. He’s at the surgery often these days. He recently expressed his embarrassment to her, but she said, “Don’t worry, I am a professional… I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I will thoroughly check it out.

Phil said, “My wife claims that my penis tastes like strawberries”

 

Have a nice Easter break and enjoy the snow.

February Newsletter

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February Newsletter
Author – MysteryBarfly

I’ve mentioned on a few occasions the quality of the craic at the early bar at theALBERTinn on most weekdays, well it reached a new high last month when Bob Dolby, retired sound engineer, was joined by an old pal, a top orthopaedic surgeon, who has just been brought in to run the Barlborough NHS Treatment Centre. I didn’t catch the surgeon’s name but it was clear from his conversation that he also had a private practice. dolbys

To explain to those who don’t know Bob Dolby, he is beyond any shadow of doubt the tightest, meanest man you could possibly meet. His wife Anne, in contrast, is the sweetest of ladies and often puts money behind the bar to pay for her husband’s round of drinks that he forgot to get.

Recently he and Anne were sat reading in their conservatory when Bob suddenly jumped up and declared… “Right, time for a walk up to the pub. Get your coat on Darling”. “How nice, you’re taking me with you?” inquired Anne, “No, I’m turning the heating off”, said Bob.

Returning to the surgeon, Bob asked him for a “mate rate” quote for a new knee and the surgeon quoted £8500. Immediately Bob wanted to know how that figure was arrived at and it was explained to him…
£5000 to the hospital for use of the operating theatre.
£1500 to the anaesthetist.
£2000 to himself.
Bob asked if it had to be performed in an hospital, why not at his home and the surgeon agreed that there was less chance of infection in Bob’s kitchen as he knew that Anne kept it spotless.

So that’s £5000 off the bill and now Bob turned his attention to the anaesthetist. Is one really necessary? The surgeon insisted it was, the knee had to be opened up and the pain would be excruciating for at least 20 minutes…
“Would it kill you, though?” Bob asked.
“No”, said the surgeon, “but it would be extremely painful”.
“But one would not die?” said Bob looking for a final assurance.
“No” said the surgeon.
The left corner of Bob’s mouth began to curl up as he calculated that he’d got the bill down to £2000. At the same time his left eyebrow raise slightly as Bob surprised the surgeon with…
“Would you do the op for £1700 cash, no receipt?”
No sooner had the surgeon replied… “It would have to be late evening, say… next Tuesday”, Bob quickly took the surgeon’s hand, before he could change his mind and said, “Deal, book my wife in for 8.30″.

 

Moving on with a limp….

 

It’s almost a year ago since Woody and Peggy were in theALBERTinn. They had popped over from Mississippi, USA and thought their visit to theALBERTinn was a wizz. It’s Peggy’s birthday tomorrow, so Happy Birthday from everyone you met in theALBERTinn. The sad news is that they won’t be coming this year as the recession has hit them bad and they are desperate for 4 new tyres for their home but they love reading the RUSSLER, well Woody has to read it out to Peggy Peggy High School 1969(pictured right). Reading was not one of Peggy’s priorities, as she was a Hog Roundup Pageant Queen, destined to marry one of her brothers. So how did Woody sneak into Arkansas and steal this stunning beauty away from her watchful family. What many don’t know, even in the back woods of Mississippi and Arkansas, is that Woody’s full name is Clarence Woodard Hancock and he had an illustrious career in the US Navy. He first met Peggy at her family gas station when he and some navy pals were on a canoeing trip. He arranged to meet her in the middle of the night and they ran away together. His first meeting with her Pa and brothers was immortalised in the film Deliverence, seen below. Before he joined the officer ranks his nickname was Cocky (an attribute not missed on the young Peggy) but the Naval Academy made him change it to Woody, Captain “Cocky” Hancock just doesn’t sound good.

He was made Petty Officer and served on the USS Bon Homme Richard. He was promoted to Ensign aboard USS Kitty Hawk and Lieutenant aboard USS Ticonderoga when he was the XO on the bridge when he ordered the sinking of a suspected Soviet spy ship. It turned out to be The Calypso and that was the end of Jacques Cousteau but because the US were pissed off with the French over their support for Iraq, he was promoted to Commander aboard the USS Hornet.woody-1

He was put in charge of the daily production of ice cream for several thousand sailors, who all remember his 0800 hour daily announcement…
“Now hear this. Now hear this. Today’s flavour is Vanilla”.

His final but short lived promotion was to Captain of the USS Montana and the incident that made him realize he’d had enough happened just off the Irish coast, watch below…

Moving on with a chuckle…

 

Staying with the sea. Burgin the Pub Bore, was treated to a free weekend at Whitby on a yacht that’s specially adapted for the disabled. He was the only man amongst half a dozen sufferers of rare neurological conditions. Mercedes Mick phoned him to see how he was coping and was amazed to hear him say that he was having a fantastic time. He’d had them all playing strip poker and things were hotting up. Burgin began singing… “You are the Cheeky Girls, I am the Cheeky Boy”. Then in the background he heard… “We are the Cheeky Girls, You are the Cheeky Boy”, then  a young woman said… “Burgin, show us that trick again opening champagne, it’s so sexy” Mick couldn’t contain himself any longer… “I’m out on the bike first thing, I’ll ride up as quickly as I can mate”.

Now to bring you all up to scratch on Michael, he’s recently had a course and passed his test to be able to ride large motor bikes. His long suffering wife, Rachel, hates bikes so he now invites young local girls to join him on rides into the countryside. Here’s what happened on Sunday morning in Whitby…

Bye for now

January Newsletter

You would have to be a down and out recluse not to have heard of Operation Yewtree. So most will be shocked to discover that detectives from Operation Yewtree have just spent several days in Woodthorpe mag-sav investigating child sex abuse from the mid 1970’s. The man they are after has slapped a superinjuction on the RUSSLER forbidding us to publish his name, so we will refer to him as the Jolly Butcher. Most of you know this minger but not many will know that in the 1970’s he was a DJ at the Adam & Eve night club in Chesterfield. He called himself P.Van Hunter, back then and he use to mix tracks on his twin-deck whilst being bare chested. He was years ahead of his time and what he pioneered didn’t take off until Raves became popular in the late 1980’s, many agreeing that it may have been more popular back then if Phil had kept his shirt on. Due to his habit of practicing most afternoons at home, he called his style of music “House”. The club manager Graham “Smithy” Smith used to replace the normal DJ with P.Van Hunter at bang-on 2am, it was the quickest way to clear the club.

Ironically living just a mile away in Barlborough is the old Rotherham DJ, Dave Growns, who pioneered “Garage” music because his motherpaul-growns wouldn’t let him in the house to practice. Much heavier stuff that Grownsie was into.

His incredibly stupid son, Paul Growns, is currently DJing and trying to develop his own style. He’s calling it “Congo” because that’s the only country that will allow him to play it.

It’s widely accepted that P. Van Hunter’s mixing made mixsets like the ones below possible. Start with a melody of about 4 to 6 notes, after a minute add in a back beat, after another minute add in the front beat, followed by the main tune. Simple really. This one was used by Guinness on one of their adverts and whilst not mixed by P. Van Hunter they had to agree to give him and his family free Draught Guinness for life. Enya gets sublimely mixed in at 3m.08s.

The Jolly Butcher is now an unsuccessful van driver, his wife, Sue, delivers Stork margarine around Clowne in a Range Rover, dressed in a home help uniform. They have two grown up children, a very visually challenged son, James, and a stunningly attractive daughter, Kate. James is an exceptional chef and the BBC offered him his own program titled The Ugly Chef but he turned them down. Here’s a family video taken when they were kids…

Transgressing with one corner of my mouth curled up…

Burgin the Pub Bore’s little sister, Rae, appeared in a video of another great mix relating raethe story of her boss at the Home Office. He was hugely infatuated with her, just like her current bow, Chief Inspector Peter Roberts. He made her transfer to his new department, when he was put in charge of the Border Agency. He was eventually, famously and very publicly, sacked, when the government discovered that no immigration checks were being done because he was day dreaming.

The same 4 notes repeated at different pitches, with a fabulous beat introduced as the train delivers Rae. Her Mum wasn’t happy with her revealing display in the video but her 3 big brothers were proud of her.

So what have the Plod being questioning the Jolly Butcher about. Well, at the end of last year the Jolly Butcher’s vivacious wife, Sue, celebrated her sixtieth birthday and what a big bash it was, all the local glitterati were there, the county intelligentsia and Burgin the Bore. As usual Guinness was abundant at their home and it wasn’t long before the Jolly Butcher became P.Van Hunter and the fun started. He began by getting Sue to strum a back beat on a empty Louis Vuitton suitcase, every ½ second. He then began to increase the volume of his laptop which he had set to loop/repeat. Sue slowly softened her strumming to nothing, at which point P.Van Hunter hit the “Go” button on his laptop and ripped off his shirt, Sue began strumming again with more purpose this time and was assisted by James, who joined in by using a set of false teeth as maracas. As all this unfolded, in walked their over sexed daughter, Kate, wearing a black leotard, and her dancing stole the show. This bird is so sexy that the manufacturers of Viagra have offered to pay her £75,000 to stop doing it in public but she’s holding out for £1.5m and who can blame her. The seventy or so guests stood there with their mouths open. Burgin fell over his zimmer because he had assumed she was gay, seeing as she had never tried to chat him up.

There were only two topics talked about more than Kate’s dancing that night… where did the false teeth come from and how young the lovely Sue looked on her sixtieth birthday. Well she would wouldn’t she because, what many don’t know is… she is only 56 years old, not 60. So why is she lying about her age and increasing it, which is opposite to most folks reason for lying about their age. Well, just like many other DJ’s and pop stars, back in the 60’s and 70’s, P.Van Hunter was lied to by a young determined girl. He believed he had met an 18 year old and married her 2 years later, when she was 20. Wrong, she was only 14 when he met her and 16 when they married.

So why have all the others been publically arrested and not P.Van Hunter, quite simple, he married her and in British courts a wife cannot give evidence against her husband.

 

Moving on with a skip and a whistle…

 

Phil Gee visited his doctors last week. Always straight to the point to the extent of being gobby, Phil walked up to the receptionist and asked to see a doctor. The receptionist ask what the problem was and Phil told her straight… “Sumert up wi me cock luv.” The receptionist nearly fell off her chair. “No, no, no”, said the receptionist, “you must not say such things in front of these people waiting. Say something more civil until you see the doctor”. Phil apologized and mimed that he would go back out and come in again. He actually lit a tabend up for a few drags and went back in. “Can I see a doctor luv, I’ve something wrong with my ear”. The receptionist gave an approving nod and said… “What’s wrong with you ear sir?” Phil replied… “It hurts when I piss”.

The waiting room was in hysterics. Four got up and cancelled their appointments as they felt better. But things got worse for Phil.

He went in to see what turned out to be a very attractive lady GP. He couldn’t wait to drop his trousers. After a few moments she said to him “You are going to have to stop masturbating Mr Gee.”
“Why Doctor?”… he replied.
“Because I trying to examine you!” said the Doctor.

 

Moving on with a final skip…

 

How sick is society getting? Can it get any sicker? RUSSLER doesn’t think it can, example…

Burgin borrowed a porn video from JC. He switched his video player on and sat down with much anticipation as JC reckoned it was the best he’d seen. After 5 minutes he phoned JC…
BURGIN… “What’s good about this video, it’s just an old fat grey haired bloke, sat on a settee in the dark, playing with himself?”
JC… “Have you switched the TV on?”
BURGIN… “Oops!”

 

STAY HAPPY… KEEP SMILING

First Newsletter

main-1It’s with a little tear in my eye that I look back on 2012. It’s been a good year in many respects, my wife June’s reputation for good food continued to grow, her take-away Fish & Chips are making many realize why I married her and my work in the cellar paid off with our entry into the CAMRA Good Beer Guide.

So, why the little tear? It’s for one of my regulars, Johnny Thurlow. What he and his wife endured last August was terrible and has been a well kept secret until now. It was a normal Thursday Quiz Night and it was so busy that no-one really noticed the stranger sat near the door, I thought he resembled one of my old customers from the Parish Oven in Thorpe Salvin. He was in fact an escaped murderer from Lincoln Prison who was making his way to Chesterfield using the Good Beer Guide. Johnny left around 10:45 pm in a bit of a huff because he had scored just 6 out of 30 in the quiz, he was in such a huff that he didn’t spot the stranger following him as he walked home.

Johnny’s wife, Julie, had spent the evening cooking a joint of beef and had sliced it ready for his lunch the next day. She intended to garnish it that next morning with home-made mustard and place it on some crusty bread that she had baked earlier in the week. Knowing her husband was the envy of his workmates gives her a sense of achievement.

Both being up at the crack of dawn meant they were soon off to bed and had only been there a short while when the escaped convict burst into their bedroom. He ordered Johnny out of bed and tied him to a chair, while tying Julie to the bed he appeared to kiss her neck, then got up and went into the bathroom. Whilst he was in there, Johnny whispered to Julie: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He’s probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll could kill us both. Be strong, Julie. I love you.” Julie smiled and said: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he’s gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong Johnny. I love you too!”

Moving on with a wink…

September saw the launch of thealbertinn.com website and in the next few weeks Google Search Indexing should kick-in and visitor statistics should soon become interesting. The Pub Video below is great and

believe it or not the video production company gave me the £1500 fee back because of a break-through they had. jez During the two visits to Woodthorpe made by the film crew, they witnessed one of the ALBERT regulars, retired Wing Commander Gerard “Ges” McCabe CBE DSM, pictured right, walking from his house to the pub. They loved his air of contentment, the way he stepped over Burgin, the village bore who had fallen down, but then acknowledges the stray dog that joined him and the utterly confident way he gesticulated to local girls with just a lean… sublime. It was a walk they had been looking for so they asked him if they could film him. Not one to miss an opportunity, Ges informed the film crew that he developed the walk on the beach in Benidorm which he visits each year. He told them about his winklepicker shoes, trunks and sunglasses that he always wears on his beach walks and they bought them from him for £500. Watch the advert below, it’s Ges to a tee…

Moving on with a swagger…

gerardo-s2

It’s my intention that on each Newsletter I promote the business of one of my customers as a thank you for supporting the pub. This month it’s Gerardo Colucci who’s MOT garage is in Clowne. Gerardo is a direct decendant of the Roman god Uranus, who was neither male or female. A remarkably preserved statue of Uranus, pictured left, was discovered beneath the sea,  just off the Italian coast by Gerardo’s cousin, a cruise ship captain. The resemblance of the statue to Gerardo is amazing, even down to the smallest detail.

He’s built up a steady little business in the 15 years he’s been in this country but his employees will always find time for a bit of fun…

Moving on with a limp…

Finally, could we all give a thought for the pub bore, Burgin, who has been rushed into hospital. Everyone knows he is currently having to use a zimmer frame to walk about but what many don’t know is that he is an international con artist and has conned the Council into installing a special, all singing, all dancing, toilet in his Barlborough bachelor pad. This loo does everything, yes including wipes your arse. It washes, wipes and dries all by remote control. Burgin is hoping it will be a draw for the ladies.

It was installed last week and he was keen to try it out. On the remote it had several buttons, one marked CW. He pressed it and got a right shock when cold water was fired up his backside. WW was much more pleasant, that was warm water. WA was even nicer, that was warm air… the ladies will love that, he thought. He then pressed ATR and the next thing he can remember was waking up in hospital, it stands for automatic tampon remover.

Look out for my future Beer Blog.

Bye for now.