April Newsletter Extra

Author – Mystery Barfly

This Newsletter Extra is to celebrate the birthday of Burgin the Cripple and it contains some interesting facts, amusing facts and a shocking revelation.

 

First on the agenda is a serious matter regarding a terrible disease called DRAVET SYNDROME, a severe form of epilepsy. theALBERTinn barmaid, Kate, has volunteered to bare her breasts for the sum of £1 which will go towards the DRAVET APPEAL. Here she is below ready with the t-shirt and if you place your mouse cursor towards her tummy, all will be revealed. But don’t forget, it will cost you a pound.

brian-cowleyKate’s boyfriend, Brian Cowley, has tried his best to stop her revealing her assets but Kate would hear none of it. Kate has sent the RUSSLER a photo of Brian from their holidays last year and she has threatened to send more photos if he doesn’t stop giving her grief.

 

Moving on with a wobble…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rory and Barbara Hallam have been frequenting theALBERTinn for a few years now and they’re often accompanied by Harry and Tina Pickering. For those who don’t know Rory, he’s a man who doesn’t dorory-1 things by half. When he plays golf, as he and Barbara do every week, he wears plusfours and Pringle jumpers. He goes at everything with much gusto. When he was the landlord of the Royal Oak in Barlborough, he used to drink 20 pints of beer a day. He currently delivers drugs for the chemist in Barlborough and now he rides round on a BMX bike wearing a hoodie and, very annoyingly, does “gangsta” speak. Yes… for prescribed drugs!!!!

He met Barbara, who by-the-way Burgin the Cripple reckons is the best kisser in Barlborough, through a video dating company in the early 90’s and, as I mentioned, they play golf together every week. They’ve been happily married now for a number of years and on the golf course last week they were reflecting with each other on how happy they were and what a nice lifestyle they had. Rory mentioned that there was something he needed to get off his chest and felt their relationship was strong enough to take it. He told Barbara that 6 years ago, when they were running the Royal Oak, he’d had a brief affair with one of the barmaids. It didn’t mean anything to him, he regrets it and he felt she should know. Barbara thought his honesty was quite commendable, she was glad he’d told her, and there was something she wanted to get off her chest. About 3 or 4 years before they’d met, Barbara was called Barry and she’d been through a sex change. Well, Rory’s blood drained from his face. He threw his golf club to the ground and called her a cheating cow. Barbara couldn’t believe his reaction…
“You cheating, cheating, cheating bitch”, said Rory. Barbara replied, “Hang on Rory, you told me that you’ve had an affair and I accepted that. Yet now you accuse me of cheating?”. Rory stood there for several minutes with his head bowed. He slowly raised his face and said to Barbara, “It’s not the sex change that bothers me, it’s all these years you’ve been playing off the ladies’ tee”.

Before moving on, I earlier mentioned Rory’s pal Harry. Harry Pickering is probably one of the worst plumbers you’ll ever meet. You’ll have seen him driving about North East Derbyshire in his truck, which he’s very proud of.harry

 

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Rory once asked him to install an extra urinal in the Royal Oak gents’ toilets and this is how he did it.

 

 
Minging Mick once asked him if he could get a toilet in what was once a utility cupboard by his back door. Harry said no problem, and this is how he did it.
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Moving on with a squirt…

 

 

Regulars at theALBERTinn will be aware that Russ, the landlord, has been having a real tough time with a urinary tract infection. He got so fed up with the modern drugs not working he’s allegedly turned to an alternate therapy and he’s hoping it’ll get rid of the problem once and for all. CLICK HERE to see his treatment.

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Finally, moving on with a tear in my eye…

 

 

heston-blumenheckJames Hunter has finally agreed to pen a monthly blog for the RUSSLER in the category of Food. As most of you will know, James is an excellent chef and each month he will be giving us the recipe for one of his culinary masterpieces. He will be blogging under the pseudonym of Heston Blumenheck who is a mixture of a couple of TV chefs and Russ, so keep your eyes out for the future.

James was recently driving his mingy car, which he thinks is a sports car. It was the first day we’d had some sun for a very long time and he was sitting at the traffic lights at the top of Mastin Moor hill. Window down, elbow sticking out, wishing he’d put his GoGetter baseball cap on. A car drove towards him containing a rather large lady and when she was level with him she shouted… “DONKEY”. Not one to be insulted, he shouted back… “UGLY COW”. When the lights turned green the smug James set off, quickly accelerated to 60mph into the hollow towards Renishaw, only for this to HAPPEN.

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See you in theALBERTinn later. Bye for now…

APRIL – Newsletter

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Author – Mystery Barfly
A very special newsletter just prior to Wednesday 17th of April, 2013, a date set to enter the history books. For most it will be remembered for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher but to an elite few, pals of Burgin the Cripple, it will always be his birthday. So forget St Pauls Cathedral and get your arse up to theALBERTinn at Woodthorpe, the craic is guaranteed.

To make the night special Phil Gee is bringing in a very expensive Johnny Walker Blue Label scotch for everyone to sample. It’s his way of saying sorry for all the shite that the rest of us have to endure from him. The Man Who Walked Around The World…

Barmaid Kate has promised that, if her boyfriend Bullshit Brian isn’t present, she will bare her pair of beauties (breasts) and we can have a
guess their weight competition in aid of the Dravet Syndrome Charity Appeal. Burgin’s even booked a turn, seen here on the video, left, but only if he learns to play Magic Man.
It’s not thought that his old pal Richard Law will be making an appearance, it’s far to soon after his almighty gaff was made public and quickly went viral. I may as well tell what happened because everyone and their mother (except Mark Thatcher) know about it.

Last weekend Richard pulled the best bird of his life. She had the perfect figure, beautiful jet black hair, and drop dead gorgeous looks. She approached him in his Ecclesall Road restaurant, right at the end of the night. She had been told that Richard had Buffalo roaming his converted Derbyshire farmhouse and how much she would love to see them, which in man talk means take me back to your place and give me a right rodding. Richard played along with the Buffalo line and informed her that they can’t be seen in the dark but he knew what they could do until dawn.

She sent her friends home and Richard sent all the staff home and asked his driver to return at 4.45am, in time to get him home at sun rise. He then fetched a Tattenger from the fridge and made treesa conscious decision to try something different. He’s always struggled to keep a good woman and his pal Dr Rav Naik had recently been discussing with him the merit of sexual foreplay and how to prolong the sex act beyond 2 minutes. He reminded him of the techniques he once witnessed when the security cameras filmed Burgin and Merritt with 3 birds in the Professionals Room in his Leeds Snooker Club. Richard was determined to impress a woman, if only to wipe the smile of Nick Wolstenholme’s face. He’s Richards shooting pal who most of his Ex’s have confided in.

This time he took his time and assessed her responses to him. She was clearly aroused by deep passionate kissing so he milked that as much as he could. After one 20 minute snog all she could say was… wow! He could not believe how receptive she appeared and he’d not even took her nickers off. It hardly seemed a hour before his driver was signalling his presence outside.

She sexily nibbled his neck as he locked the restaurant door and they kissed all the way to the car and in the backseat, all the way to his home. They ran into his sitting room where french doors look out onto the surrounding fields where the Buffalo are, both full with anticipation, perhaps for different reasons but full of it anyway. As she stood against the french doors the morning sun burst through and Richard could contain his glee no longer. He quickly took out his iPhone and took a photo of this stunner which he auto-sent to Nick Wolstenholme. Stick that in your pipe Wolstie, he thought…. as they say in Italy “WHAT A MISTAKA TO MAKA“.

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Moving on with my mouth wide open…
The question posed in the March Newsletter… which company is the wealthiest the world has ever known? Attracted ziltch zero responses via the comments, which of course are public. Obviously no one felt confident enough that they knew the right answer. Several had a shot in private via email and 2 were right but they didn’t put it on Comments, so no beer I’m afraid. The answer was the Dutch East India Company and the first bubble was Tulips.

 

Moving on with a skip…

 

Stockholm Sweden
Hardly anyone used the stairs to leave this Stockholm subway, always the escalator, until someone had a bright idea…

 

Moving on 2 steps at a time…

 

USA
To celebrate the Palethorpe’s being over the pond, a bit of Yanky humour…

Have a listen to this young woman…

QUESTION… How can someone be so attractive, sing so well, yet be so stupid? Although her joy at been conned by the young boy was genuine and endearing…

 

Moving on with a wobble…

 

Phil Greaves as been a regular in theALBERTinn for a number of years but what many don’t know is that he could have been a famous actor but gave it all up for the love of a woman who wanted him to have a phil-greaves-2aphil-greavesproper job. Phil went bald at the age of 18 and always looked older than his age. Ironically, now in his 60’s he now looks younger, despite the usual increase in weight. His only acting job was at the age of 19 at the end of the 60’s and he was one of the few British actors to break into Holywood, albeit just a public information film. We’ve been lucky to find this…

 

Moving on in a rush…

 

James Randi Education Foundation
This old magician has got $1 million to give to any crackpot who can do faith healing, spoon bending, mind reading or any paranormal claim under his scrutiny…

 

Moving on with a finger in my mouth…

 

Finally
Johnny Thurlow and Phil Gee were arrested in Queens Park last week at a Womens Rights rally. They were caught on camera just before their arrest, displaying orange banners…
dyke_protest

 

Bye for now…

Plant Earth, Boston & Sistine Chapel

 

Author – GingerMinger

 

Planet Earth

It took 2 days to travel from earth to the International Space Station, well it did until last week, when the Ruskies did it in under 6 hours. They didn’t use a faster space craft, they achieved it by only doing 4 orbits of the earth before docking at the ISS. Plans are already afoot to do it in just 2 orbits and Ryan Air are planning to do it in 1 (joke). NASA have cobbled together some footage from the ISS and added some modelling to a great 2 minute video.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sckOSMf-LpY&w=490&h=300]

 

 

Boston, USA

State capital of Massachusetts

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYvAeuPF9-s&w=490&h=300]

 

 

Sistine Chapel

A 360° view of probably the most magnificent chapel in the world. Found in the Apostolic Palace, the offical residence of the Pope in the Vatican. Click the below image.
sistine

March Newsletter

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Title – March Newsletter

Author – MysteryBarfly

 

Complaints into the RUSSLER have been thick and fast this month and not just trivial ones, like the one from Mercedes Mick who, whilst not having any problem with his motor cycling skills, or lack of them, being exposed to the world, was unhappy at being referred to as a minger. It was not the intention of the RUSSLER to influence anyone to start calling him Minging Mick and it is regrettable that this has become common place. Live with it Michael, move on. Before we move on, Minging Mick has got himself the very latest smartphone and he was showing it off to his daughter’s pet toad the other day. You would never have imagined that the toad would read the screen…

 

Now, complaints of inaccuracies are taken very seriously as the RUSSLER has a reputation to maintain. In a recent Politics & Religion post How Rich is the Roman Catholic Church by MalagaJack, it has been pointed out that the photo used to depict the new Pope Francis was in fact the old Pope Benedict and RUSSLER apologises if either man was offended by the error. The error has been amended for future readers. In MalagaJack’s defence, a cataract has developed in the one eye that he has sight from and the local NHS budget has been bled dry this year by his drinking pal, Burgin the Cripple, so he can’t have the much needed operation until after April. The Government are right,burgs-new-car the disabled are bleeding the country dry. Burgin was snapped outside Waitrose recently in his new free disability car. Our country can’t possibly continue to pay almost 1000 deserving senior public servants over £1 million each per year and give away free cars to tossers like Burgin. He’s just been in hospital, yet again, when they asked him for a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample, he gave them his boxer shorts. When asked by the nurse, whilst being admitted, who he would like informing in the case of an emergency, he replied… “The Doctor”. The man wants a 9mm bullet.

Before moving on…

In that same post, RUSSLER also had to clarify a point that was ambiguously written. By claiming the Catholic Church to be the wealthiest institution it was not including national governments. That point has been amended and it has brought to mind an interesting thought… which company is the wealthiest the world has ever known? Any ideas?  The first person to put the correct answer in a comment at the bottom of this post gets a free pint of Prince Albert Bitter, a superb beer which is on the bar in theALBERTinn this weekend (very similar in taste to Magnet). I’ll give you a clue… the company was instrumental in, and made a fortune from, the world’s first economic bubble (and consideration will have to be given to inflation-linking).

 

Moving on with a knowing smirk…

 

Just to introduce a little class into RUSSLER… listen to this voice it’s stunning. She’s either amazingly talented or superbly directed. Watch her sudden jerky movements, camera pick-ups and body language.
Ann Sophie – Genre… Retro soul/Jazz, enjoy…

 

Moving on with a glow…

 

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair, called in theALBERTinn last week. Russ was very naughty but could not stop himself. When O’Leary came to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. Russ said… “That will be one £1 please, Mr. O’Leary.”
Somewhat taken aback, O’Leary replied, “That’s very cheap,” and handed over his money.
“Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition”, said Russ. “But you don’t seem to have a glass, so you’ll need one of ours.” he continued… That will be another £3.”

O’Leary grimaced, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards the armchair next to the log fire.
“Oh, so you want to sit down?” said Russ. “That’s another £2. – Oh, and actually, I see that you didn’t pre-book the seat, so in fact it will be another £4.”
O’Leary swore to himself, but paid up. “I see that you want to bring that laptop with you” added Russ. “And since that wasn’t pre-booked either, that will be another £3 and a further £5 for connection to our WiFi.”

O’Leary was so pissed off that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, “This is a f**king rip-off, I want to speak to the manager”.
“You can only contact him by email”, said Russ… “And by the way, that will be £2 for use of the counter. And unless you are going to wash the glass yourself, that will be another £3. And it would be £3 to use the washroom. Make sure you tidy up all the area before you leave.

 

Moving on with one hand over my mouth…

 

Johnny Thurlow was watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don’t enter that church, you daft pillock!!!”
Johnny’s wife, Julie, just happened to enter the room and asked him, “What are you watching?”
Johnny replies, “Our bloody wedding video”

 

Moving on with a wink…

 

Phil Gee was at it again this month. As reported in a previous RUSSLER his GP is female and drop dead gorgeous. He’s at the surgery often these days. He recently expressed his embarrassment to her, but she said, “Don’t worry, I am a professional… I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I will thoroughly check it out.

Phil said, “My wife claims that my penis tastes like strawberries”

 

Have a nice Easter break and enjoy the snow.

How rich is the Roman Catholic Church?

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Title – How rich is the Roman Catholic Church?

Author – Malaga Jack

 

A number of complaints have been passed down to me about my last blog when I suggested that the last Pope had a €3.4 billion pension fund. Indeed, it was just a figure used to emphasise the ineptness of Gordon Brown when he sold off some UK gold reserves at a hugely reduced rate… and it was a little silly to suggest that because it is so rare for any Pope to retire the fund would be so large. So the complaints got me thinking and I decided to do some digging and what I found was so enlightening I decided to stick the complaints where the sun doesn’t shine.

pope-franThe old Pope Benedict pictured right wearing a fabulous vintage chiffon-lined Dior gold lame gown over a silk Vera Wang empire waist tulle cocktail dress, accessorised with a three-foot House of Whoville hat and the ruby slippers Judy Garland wore in the Wizard of Oz. Ironically, he’s on his way to make a sermon explaining why it’s so wrong to be Gay. The only one sure fact that one can deduce from this photo is that had the four chaps, who are pictured helping the Pope, been born in India then they would have been doing the same for a cow, and had they been born in Iran, none of them will have had a bacon butty for breakfast.

Russ and June were once travelling back from a Rome city-break when a Cardinal sat in the aisle seat next to Russ, June was sat by the window. Shortly after take-off, the Cardinal begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Cardinal turns to Russ and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to Russ’ mind. “My goodness,” thinks Russ, “I can’t tell a Cardinal that. There must be another word.” Russ thought for quite a while, and then it hit him. Turning to the Cardinal, Russ said, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Cardinal. “Do you have an eraser?”

I’ll finish by hitting you with some daunting facts… you’ll stand a better chance of finding a condom in the Vatican than a yearly accounts report. Legally speaking the Vatican does not exist, so it can’t be sued. Dioceses under the control of Bishops can be sued but many in the USA have, in the light of abuse litigation, declared bankruptcy.

The lack of legal obligation to produce accounts and the churches secretive procedures make it very difficult to accurately assess it’s wealth but a 2012 investigation by the Economist, was able to estimate the annual spending of the Catholic Church in the USA, which includes many hospitals and higher education institutes, at $170 billion. Compare that with the two biggest companies, Apple and General Motors, whose annual TURNOVER are both around $150 billion and that’s WORLDWIDE.

Chuck in the Catholic powerhouses of Brazil, Spain and Italy and you have the richest and most powerful institution in the world, outside a few governments. So don’t dig too deep or you’ll finish up swinging beneath Blackfriars Bridge.

San Francisco, London & Leather

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Title – San Francisco, London & Leather

Author – Ginger Minger

Leather Alan returned this week from his villa in The Algarve, where he had been hiding from his new live-in chick, Emma. He’s made her get a job but he’s having to get her evening meal ready and it’s keeping him out of the pub. He wanted to drive down and take his mate Burgin the Cripple with him but Emma wasn’t having none of that, knowing the availability of women would increase 4 fold with Burgin around.

blodders-leatherSo, having flown down, he boarded his afternoon flight from Faro back to Birmingham. He had taken his seat near the window, when he noticed a stunning bird, in her early 40’s, walking towards him looking for her seat. Being the horny bastard he is, he couldn’t take his eyes off her and to his amazement, she placed her belongings on the seat next to him.

Once she had placed her things in the overhead locker, she took her seat and gave him a lovely smile. He, of course, smiled back and asked her if she was returning from a holiday. Her trip was purely business, she explained, she had been asked to give a lecture at a conference at the NEC. When Leather enquired as to the nature of the conference, she informed him that it was the Annual Conference of Nymphomaniacs and she was to give a lecture on the misconception of male lovers. OMG!! thought Leather. The anticipation of two and a half hours sitting next to a beautiful nymphomaniac immediately sent his mind into overdrive, his hands were trembling and he could hardly string his words together to ask his obvious next question… “What are the misconceptions?” he said in a high pitched voice.

“Well”, she replied, “it’s often said that the Afro-Caribbean man is the most well-endowed male in the world, yet, in truth, it is the native Red Indian man who takes this title. Again, it is often thought that it is French men who make love more times a week than any other, whilst in fact it is the Greek men that do. And not many people realise that the most virile men in the world are the Irish.”

She continued … “My goodness, here I am, telling you all this and I don’t even know your name”

Leather replied… “It’s Tonto Papadopolous, but my friends call me Paddy”.

 

Moving  on with a chuckle…

 

London, UK

Record breaking 320 gigapixel panoramic view of London. Commissioned by BT who are responsible for the fact that most web browsers think that the webpage is in French when it isn’t. That tells you that all the wages earned from developing the BT website is being spent in France, and that’s one of the reasons we, Britain, are in a mess. That and being bled dry by the disabled. To watch a BBC documentary on it’s making (the photo, not the shitty website) click here. Click the image below and enjoy the panoramic view…

london-360

 

 

San Francisco

Music by Machete Ave.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Er2Wa7onQcw&w=490&h=300]

February Newsletter

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February Newsletter
Author – MysteryBarfly

I’ve mentioned on a few occasions the quality of the craic at the early bar at theALBERTinn on most weekdays, well it reached a new high last month when Bob Dolby, retired sound engineer, was joined by an old pal, a top orthopaedic surgeon, who has just been brought in to run the Barlborough NHS Treatment Centre. I didn’t catch the surgeon’s name but it was clear from his conversation that he also had a private practice. dolbys

To explain to those who don’t know Bob Dolby, he is beyond any shadow of doubt the tightest, meanest man you could possibly meet. His wife Anne, in contrast, is the sweetest of ladies and often puts money behind the bar to pay for her husband’s round of drinks that he forgot to get.

Recently he and Anne were sat reading in their conservatory when Bob suddenly jumped up and declared… “Right, time for a walk up to the pub. Get your coat on Darling”. “How nice, you’re taking me with you?” inquired Anne, “No, I’m turning the heating off”, said Bob.

Returning to the surgeon, Bob asked him for a “mate rate” quote for a new knee and the surgeon quoted £8500. Immediately Bob wanted to know how that figure was arrived at and it was explained to him…
£5000 to the hospital for use of the operating theatre.
£1500 to the anaesthetist.
£2000 to himself.
Bob asked if it had to be performed in an hospital, why not at his home and the surgeon agreed that there was less chance of infection in Bob’s kitchen as he knew that Anne kept it spotless.

So that’s £5000 off the bill and now Bob turned his attention to the anaesthetist. Is one really necessary? The surgeon insisted it was, the knee had to be opened up and the pain would be excruciating for at least 20 minutes…
“Would it kill you, though?” Bob asked.
“No”, said the surgeon, “but it would be extremely painful”.
“But one would not die?” said Bob looking for a final assurance.
“No” said the surgeon.
The left corner of Bob’s mouth began to curl up as he calculated that he’d got the bill down to £2000. At the same time his left eyebrow raise slightly as Bob surprised the surgeon with…
“Would you do the op for £1700 cash, no receipt?”
No sooner had the surgeon replied… “It would have to be late evening, say… next Tuesday”, Bob quickly took the surgeon’s hand, before he could change his mind and said, “Deal, book my wife in for 8.30″.

 

Moving on with a limp….

 

It’s almost a year ago since Woody and Peggy were in theALBERTinn. They had popped over from Mississippi, USA and thought their visit to theALBERTinn was a wizz. It’s Peggy’s birthday tomorrow, so Happy Birthday from everyone you met in theALBERTinn. The sad news is that they won’t be coming this year as the recession has hit them bad and they are desperate for 4 new tyres for their home but they love reading the RUSSLER, well Woody has to read it out to Peggy Peggy High School 1969(pictured right). Reading was not one of Peggy’s priorities, as she was a Hog Roundup Pageant Queen, destined to marry one of her brothers. So how did Woody sneak into Arkansas and steal this stunning beauty away from her watchful family. What many don’t know, even in the back woods of Mississippi and Arkansas, is that Woody’s full name is Clarence Woodard Hancock and he had an illustrious career in the US Navy. He first met Peggy at her family gas station when he and some navy pals were on a canoeing trip. He arranged to meet her in the middle of the night and they ran away together. His first meeting with her Pa and brothers was immortalised in the film Deliverence, seen below. Before he joined the officer ranks his nickname was Cocky (an attribute not missed on the young Peggy) but the Naval Academy made him change it to Woody, Captain “Cocky” Hancock just doesn’t sound good.

He was made Petty Officer and served on the USS Bon Homme Richard. He was promoted to Ensign aboard USS Kitty Hawk and Lieutenant aboard USS Ticonderoga when he was the XO on the bridge when he ordered the sinking of a suspected Soviet spy ship. It turned out to be The Calypso and that was the end of Jacques Cousteau but because the US were pissed off with the French over their support for Iraq, he was promoted to Commander aboard the USS Hornet.woody-1

He was put in charge of the daily production of ice cream for several thousand sailors, who all remember his 0800 hour daily announcement…
“Now hear this. Now hear this. Today’s flavour is Vanilla”.

His final but short lived promotion was to Captain of the USS Montana and the incident that made him realize he’d had enough happened just off the Irish coast, watch below…

Moving on with a chuckle…

 

Staying with the sea. Burgin the Pub Bore, was treated to a free weekend at Whitby on a yacht that’s specially adapted for the disabled. He was the only man amongst half a dozen sufferers of rare neurological conditions. Mercedes Mick phoned him to see how he was coping and was amazed to hear him say that he was having a fantastic time. He’d had them all playing strip poker and things were hotting up. Burgin began singing… “You are the Cheeky Girls, I am the Cheeky Boy”. Then in the background he heard… “We are the Cheeky Girls, You are the Cheeky Boy”, then  a young woman said… “Burgin, show us that trick again opening champagne, it’s so sexy” Mick couldn’t contain himself any longer… “I’m out on the bike first thing, I’ll ride up as quickly as I can mate”.

Now to bring you all up to scratch on Michael, he’s recently had a course and passed his test to be able to ride large motor bikes. His long suffering wife, Rachel, hates bikes so he now invites young local girls to join him on rides into the countryside. Here’s what happened on Sunday morning in Whitby…

Bye for now

The Ratzinger Retirement Riddle

Pope-Benedict-XVIIt was a shock to most of us when Pope Benedict XVI announced his retirement this week. Plenty reckon they saw it coming but it was a shock to most. So why is he, the first pope for 600 years, going to retire? Was it to get his hands on the pension fund, it must be huge after 600 years.  Nope, 18 months ago the Vatican consulted the greatest Chancellor of the Exchequer of all time, Gordon Brown, to re-invest the €3.4 billion pension fund that’s made up in gold bars. He advised them to convert their gold into cash, ready for investing and they went for it.

On the Monday, to the surprise of the Holy See,  Brown announced to the world that the gold would be going on sale Tuesday afternoon. Tuesday morning the price of gold plummeted to 25% of its value listed on Monday. The sale happened and on Wednesday morning it returned to the Monday price. If this sounds familiar to you, it’s what Brown did with our gold back in the late 90’s.

Brown explained to the Vatican officials that there was nothing unusual about such losses on the gold market and the now €850 million fund should be placed on the stock market. After a private phone call to his pal in Brussels, Peter Mandelson, he then split the fund in two and invested half on a sure bet… Demetri’s Kebab Deli chain in Greece that was about to go global and the other half on a long shot… Kinnock’s Equine Slaughter House in Ghent, Belgium.

After 18 months, up until a month ago, Demetri’s had gone “TitsUp”, a brokers term for bankrupt but Brown couldn’t possibly have forecast the demise of the Greek economy. The Kinnock long shot was a different baby, that part of the fund had increased its valued to €950 million and rising. If only they had sold their stock a month ago. Trading in the shares was suspended on Monday as the horse meat for beef crisis deepens.

So if there’s nothing in the pension pot, why is he retiring? Word on the backstreets of Rome has cox500it that he has been watching the BBC series… the Meaning of Life, presented by Prof. Brian Cox, right. He explains how science can now prove that something, energy, can come from nothing and we have, beyond any shadow of doubt, evolved from dust particles starting about 3.2 billion years ago. This tends to spoil the lovely stories of Adam and Eve and of course Noah but retiring from the top job seems harsh.

 

Moving on and down…

 

Talking of old stories, it seems the older the story is the more that people are prepared to believe it. Would you vote for someone who claims to have met and spoke with God? Naw course you wouldn’t.

What if an angel directed him to a buried book made of golden plates with the laws of life etched upon it? I think you would sit up a little and be intrigued enough to ask if the book can be authenticated.

What if the book had been lost? You’ve got to think… Eye-eye here we go!

There are millions of people who believe that this actually happened to one Joseph Smith in the 1820’s. With those rules in the lost book, which I assume he remembered in detail, he founded the Mormons.

Would you vote for someone who believes that all the above really happened?

Mit Romney, a man who believes in all that twaddle was recently within a whisker of becoming the most powerful man on earth and if that doesn’t send a shiver down your spine then your not using your brain like Brian Cox intended you to do.

If you need a God in your head try this bloke. This is one of only 2 good sides of religion, where someone uses faith to inspire themselves. He inspires without selling faith, well at least in this video he does. The other good side to religion is the production of beer by Trappist monks of course…
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjbX6mDnMwM&w=490&h=300]

Bye for now

Dhaka & the Theological Library

This is the first of my monthly TRAVEL section of the RUSSLER blog. I’m Ginger Minger and frequent the superb 5 o’clock Early Bar at norm2theALBERTinn, on my way home to Bolsover from my office in Sheffield. My profile photo was taken when I was 6 years old and you’ll be pleased to know my hairstyle has improved with age. The craic (pronounced crack) around the early bar is special and that’s a rarity these days.

The format for this TRAVEL section is very simple, a video and a 360° megapixel image of somewhere different each month. For those that don’t know what a 360° megapixel image is, a HD digital camera is placed on a special tripod that takes a number of shots of the same position but each at a different focus. The tripod then indexes on 0.5° and repeats until it has gone full circle. It then indexes up 0.5° and repeats the process. Then by using some special software the thousands of pictures are stitched together and a web application lets you drag the image in any direction and zoom in to a more detailed view.

Dhaka
Capital city of Bangladesh. An amazing road junction, halfway through, and you get use to the music.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LU-G7dopaY]

The Theological Library in the Strahov Monastery, Prague.
Prague is the capital city of the Czech Republic and if you didn’t know that then you need to subscribe to this blog. Click the image below to open the 360° megapixel image and enjoy the detail.
strahov-library

See you next month.

January Newsletter

You would have to be a down and out recluse not to have heard of Operation Yewtree. So most will be shocked to discover that detectives from Operation Yewtree have just spent several days in Woodthorpe mag-sav investigating child sex abuse from the mid 1970’s. The man they are after has slapped a superinjuction on the RUSSLER forbidding us to publish his name, so we will refer to him as the Jolly Butcher. Most of you know this minger but not many will know that in the 1970’s he was a DJ at the Adam & Eve night club in Chesterfield. He called himself P.Van Hunter, back then and he use to mix tracks on his twin-deck whilst being bare chested. He was years ahead of his time and what he pioneered didn’t take off until Raves became popular in the late 1980’s, many agreeing that it may have been more popular back then if Phil had kept his shirt on. Due to his habit of practicing most afternoons at home, he called his style of music “House”. The club manager Graham “Smithy” Smith used to replace the normal DJ with P.Van Hunter at bang-on 2am, it was the quickest way to clear the club.

Ironically living just a mile away in Barlborough is the old Rotherham DJ, Dave Growns, who pioneered “Garage” music because his motherpaul-growns wouldn’t let him in the house to practice. Much heavier stuff that Grownsie was into.

His incredibly stupid son, Paul Growns, is currently DJing and trying to develop his own style. He’s calling it “Congo” because that’s the only country that will allow him to play it.

It’s widely accepted that P. Van Hunter’s mixing made mixsets like the ones below possible. Start with a melody of about 4 to 6 notes, after a minute add in a back beat, after another minute add in the front beat, followed by the main tune. Simple really. This one was used by Guinness on one of their adverts and whilst not mixed by P. Van Hunter they had to agree to give him and his family free Draught Guinness for life. Enya gets sublimely mixed in at 3m.08s.

The Jolly Butcher is now an unsuccessful van driver, his wife, Sue, delivers Stork margarine around Clowne in a Range Rover, dressed in a home help uniform. They have two grown up children, a very visually challenged son, James, and a stunningly attractive daughter, Kate. James is an exceptional chef and the BBC offered him his own program titled The Ugly Chef but he turned them down. Here’s a family video taken when they were kids…

Transgressing with one corner of my mouth curled up…

Burgin the Pub Bore’s little sister, Rae, appeared in a video of another great mix relating raethe story of her boss at the Home Office. He was hugely infatuated with her, just like her current bow, Chief Inspector Peter Roberts. He made her transfer to his new department, when he was put in charge of the Border Agency. He was eventually, famously and very publicly, sacked, when the government discovered that no immigration checks were being done because he was day dreaming.

The same 4 notes repeated at different pitches, with a fabulous beat introduced as the train delivers Rae. Her Mum wasn’t happy with her revealing display in the video but her 3 big brothers were proud of her.

So what have the Plod being questioning the Jolly Butcher about. Well, at the end of last year the Jolly Butcher’s vivacious wife, Sue, celebrated her sixtieth birthday and what a big bash it was, all the local glitterati were there, the county intelligentsia and Burgin the Bore. As usual Guinness was abundant at their home and it wasn’t long before the Jolly Butcher became P.Van Hunter and the fun started. He began by getting Sue to strum a back beat on a empty Louis Vuitton suitcase, every ½ second. He then began to increase the volume of his laptop which he had set to loop/repeat. Sue slowly softened her strumming to nothing, at which point P.Van Hunter hit the “Go” button on his laptop and ripped off his shirt, Sue began strumming again with more purpose this time and was assisted by James, who joined in by using a set of false teeth as maracas. As all this unfolded, in walked their over sexed daughter, Kate, wearing a black leotard, and her dancing stole the show. This bird is so sexy that the manufacturers of Viagra have offered to pay her £75,000 to stop doing it in public but she’s holding out for £1.5m and who can blame her. The seventy or so guests stood there with their mouths open. Burgin fell over his zimmer because he had assumed she was gay, seeing as she had never tried to chat him up.

There were only two topics talked about more than Kate’s dancing that night… where did the false teeth come from and how young the lovely Sue looked on her sixtieth birthday. Well she would wouldn’t she because, what many don’t know is… she is only 56 years old, not 60. So why is she lying about her age and increasing it, which is opposite to most folks reason for lying about their age. Well, just like many other DJ’s and pop stars, back in the 60’s and 70’s, P.Van Hunter was lied to by a young determined girl. He believed he had met an 18 year old and married her 2 years later, when she was 20. Wrong, she was only 14 when he met her and 16 when they married.

So why have all the others been publically arrested and not P.Van Hunter, quite simple, he married her and in British courts a wife cannot give evidence against her husband.

 

Moving on with a skip and a whistle…

 

Phil Gee visited his doctors last week. Always straight to the point to the extent of being gobby, Phil walked up to the receptionist and asked to see a doctor. The receptionist ask what the problem was and Phil told her straight… “Sumert up wi me cock luv.” The receptionist nearly fell off her chair. “No, no, no”, said the receptionist, “you must not say such things in front of these people waiting. Say something more civil until you see the doctor”. Phil apologized and mimed that he would go back out and come in again. He actually lit a tabend up for a few drags and went back in. “Can I see a doctor luv, I’ve something wrong with my ear”. The receptionist gave an approving nod and said… “What’s wrong with you ear sir?” Phil replied… “It hurts when I piss”.

The waiting room was in hysterics. Four got up and cancelled their appointments as they felt better. But things got worse for Phil.

He went in to see what turned out to be a very attractive lady GP. He couldn’t wait to drop his trousers. After a few moments she said to him “You are going to have to stop masturbating Mr Gee.”
“Why Doctor?”… he replied.
“Because I trying to examine you!” said the Doctor.

 

Moving on with a final skip…

 

How sick is society getting? Can it get any sicker? RUSSLER doesn’t think it can, example…

Burgin borrowed a porn video from JC. He switched his video player on and sat down with much anticipation as JC reckoned it was the best he’d seen. After 5 minutes he phoned JC…
BURGIN… “What’s good about this video, it’s just an old fat grey haired bloke, sat on a settee in the dark, playing with himself?”
JC… “Have you switched the TV on?”
BURGIN… “Oops!”

 

STAY HAPPY… KEEP SMILING